October 13, 1999
DOWN HOME:
Sock it to me: She could
have saved scientists $$
___Aren't you enjoying these cool autumn days? After a near-record summer of blast-furnace heat, chilly fall mornings are refreshing.
___Unfortunately, last week I remembered what's almost certain to come next.
___You guessed it: Flannel sheets. I think I've told you about this before. Joanna, my one and only, knows how to sleep warm in winter. At the first hint of frost in Texas ... no, earlier than that. At the first hint of frost somewhere in North America, she starts talking about getting out the flannel sheets.
___The good thing about flannel sheets, of course, is they're not cold to the touch. NoIceberg Effect when you slip between the sheets at night. They're the warmest you can get, shy of electric blankets and hot bricks.
MARV KNOX
Editor
___The bad thing about flannel sheets, of course, is that you can't move once you get into bed. It's the Velcro Effect. Whatever you're wearing to keep out the winter chill will fuse firmly to the flannel sheets. And after you've tried to turn over a time or two, you roughly resemble an Egyptian mummy.
___But that's OK, because my wife knows how to handle cold, at least when it comes to sleeping.
___As a matter of fact, I recently ran across a news report confirming she was at least 20 years ahead of her time, scientifically speaking.
___Seems that a team of scientists got a grant to study how to improve the sleeping habits of cold-natured North American adults during the fall and winter months.
___They conducted tests on God-knows-how-many Homo sapiens. They spent Lord-knows-how-much money attaching wires and electronic gadgets to each and every one of the said Homo sapiens. They wasted untold hours monitoring these poor victims' sleeping habits, trying to figure out how to help them slumber better when the frost is on the pumpkins.
___Their unqualified scientific answer: Wear socks. That's right. Before you go to bed, walk over to your dresser, pull out a pair of ol' white sweatsocks, yank them on and go nighty-night. You'll get x-percent more sleep than your naked-footed cold-natured counterparts in the cooler climes of North America.
___They have a scientific word for the appropriate response to this amazing evidence: Duh!?
___Jo's been sleeping in socks for decades. And she sleeps swell, even in weather best suited for penguins.
___I wish those scientists had paid Jo to confirm this scientific breakthrough. We'd have enough money to put Lindsay and Molly through college.
___And another word about sleeping well. When you turn out the light, thank God for five things. (Start with sweatsocks.) You'll be amazed how much more soundly you snooze.
__
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