October 6, 1999
DOWN HOME:
It's the tie that binds all free-will believers
___Sometimes, a guy's just got to own up to his limitations. In times like these, the truth must be told: I'm a lousy shopper.
___I don't think I have the attention span to be a great shopper. And I know I don't have the stamina.
___This realization became starkly obvious a couple of weeks ago, just after my birthday.
___It all began a few weeks before that, when I ruined a pair of khakis. (Bleach is the devil's brew.) Joanna decreed that I no longer could wear the old ones in polite company.
___That wasn't so bad, since my parents and her parents gave me money for my birthday.
___So, we went to the Donnybrook, the Waterloo, the Gettysburg, the Armageddon of 20th century America. Yup, we went to the mall.
MARV KNOX
Editor
___I should mention we also picked up my new birthday suit. Not my original Birthday Suit, since it just turned 43 years old and, frankly, needs serious alterations. We picked up my new birthday suit, a nice black wool pinstripe two-button number with pleated slacks. Buying suits, by the way, isn't so bad. Just find something dark with comfortable trousers, and you're done.
___When you buy suits, however, you just about always have to buy ties. I like ties. But I hate buying ties for one simple reason: Numbers. Every store with a men's department has approximately 43,267,984 ties. And you're supposed to pick out just the right one. It's like a test you can't possibly pass.
___A nice salesman wearing a really snazzy tie volunteered to help us. I felt I could trust this guy. Problem was, he kept asking what I thought. I just wanted him to pick out a tie for me, or for Joanna to pick one out and tell me it'd look great. When we finally decided on a blue tie designed by, of all people, the late rock musician Jerry Garcia (no, it's not a tie-dyed tie), Jo announced I should look for a red tie to replace my unsightly old favorite, a red, white and black job.
___By this time, my head hurt, my feet ached and I just wanted to sit down. And we hadn't even talked khakis yet.
___So, we went down to the khaki store, where they've got almost as many khakis as the other store had ties. Luckily, they didn't have any in my size. This happens when your legs are an odd number of inches long. The store manager said we could order the khakis from the catalog, and I said we could do this after I got home and measured my legs.
___When it comes to shopping for clothes, I wish I were an Episcopalian. Then, I could buy a gray suit, a couple of those cool black shirts with the backward collar, tell everybody I'm working for the priests, and I'd be set for life. As it is, I'm a Baptist, and I have to pick out ties and khakis.
___Sometimes, free will is a burden.
Contents/ Masthead / Why We're Here / Links / Archive / E-mail us/ SUBSCRIBE!
