November 10, 1999
FAMILY MATTERS:
Handling temper and forgiveness is hard
___My husband has had an affair in the past, and I am trying to forgive him and leave it there--in the past. It is hard to do that, however, because he continues to lie to me. I lose my patience and my temper, and I explode. When it's all over, I feel guilty. I am committed to my husband and marriage, but I cannot live this way.
MARY STEDHAM
Family Counselor
Abilene
__First, let me affirm your willingness to work through this frightening time. We may vow to be committed to our partners "for better or for worse," but when "worse" turns out to be worse than we bargained for, the temptation is to say, "It's broken and can't be fixed." I have watched broken relationships be healed, so I know things can change; your husband's part must be addressed by him.
___You said you are trying to forgive and leave the affair in the past. That is where it belongs. It is also where your previous times of "exploding in anger" belong.
___You need to experience the same kind of forgiveness for losing control that your husband does. Granted, we tend to see loss of faithfulness as a worse sin than loss of temper. But both acts reflect an absence of self-control. Even your husband's lying is a loss of control. Fortunately for us, one of the fruits of the Spirit we can experience is self-control.
___Back to your temper. It is easy for us to decide we are justified in reacting strongly to serious violations. Jesus reacted strongly to the money-changers, didn't he? Do your motives change when you are enraged? Do you want to wound, to win, to lash out at someone because you have been hurt?
___A key is to stay in your "right mind." You must do what you believe is right, regardless of your husband's behavior.
___Remain as rational and logical as you can. If you are handling a problem at work, the least helpful thing to do is to react emotionally. Instead, you attack the problem without attacking the person.
___Here, too, confront your husband's behavior directly and clearly, remembering he is God's child. He, like you, must be accountable for his behavior if your marriage is to honor God and bring joy. Read the Apostle Paul's words to the Ephesians, chapters 4 and 5. He implores, "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us." That commitment can bring true healing to a marriage!
___
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