December 15, 1999
FAMILY MATTERS:
Affirmation, God's love
needed for growth
__Our daughter is 16. She has been doing things that show us she is easily influenced, but we really can't control her choice of friends. How can we encourage her to choose wisely?
MARY STEDHAM
Family counselor
Abilene
___It sounds like you know your daughter well. Some children are by nature compliant; others are not. One is not good and the other bad; they are different, and the way you deal with them also is different.
___As you said, you cannot control who your daughter's friends will be. The choice is not up to parents.
___It is no secret today's kids live in a difficult world. They want more than anything to feel accepted, to belong. It is that hunger for approval that will let them step "down" on the social ladder, where they sometimes feel more successful, better able to compete.
___If you see your daughter taking such a step, don't attack her new friends or her choices. Such judgment will only tend to drive a wedge between you and her.
___Instead, spend more energy looking for things she is doing well and point them out. Be on her side, not on her case. Be her advocate.
___Remember that what she needs most is someone to believer in her and communicate that confidence. Her confidence, you see, is at a low ebb.
___It becomes very important for you to reinforce her sagging self-esteem in all the ways you can as a parent, but remain honest in your efforts. Help her find her own gifts and ways to express them. Affirm her when she succeeds; confront and affirm her when she is out of line.
___That may sound "soft," but it was the strategy Jesus used with the "broken," and we can see a steady stream of encouraged followers limping away from old ways and old friends to go in better new directions after encountering his acceptance.
___Augustine's mother felt great despair when her son left home as a young man. She was fearful he would never come to know God personally. But she prayed and held on to her hope that God would work in his life, even in a foreign place.
___God did just that, and Augustine became convinced of God's unspeakable love for him. What's more, he has since challenged millions to deeper levels of faith.
___We just never know what God is up to in our children's lives. Sometimes, he alone can reach the deepest places in their hearts--and in our own. We must trust his reach.
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