December 22, 1999
FAMILY MATTERS:
Children of divorce
feel Christmas pain
___My parents are divorced, and every Christmas they fight about where I will spend Christmas. I hate it, and it makes me hate Christmas! What can I do?
DEBBIE CHISOLM
___So many things can damage Christmas. Some people work extended hours, demand too much of themselves and their families, and try to recreate some perfect Christmas they remember from long ago. Divorce changes Christmas celebrations also. So much is geared around the family that when the family is divided, celebrating can almost become impossible.
___You can do nothing to change the way your mom and dad resolve conflict or communicate. Your parents are going to relate to each other the way they have become comfortable with. There are, however, some things you can understand and perhaps some ways you can communicate what you're feeling.
___First, when parents fight (divorced or married), what we think they're fighting about and what they are actually fighting about may be different. It seems like they're fighting over who "gets" you, but they may be fighting over past pain, unhealed wounds or competition.
___Second, God created us so we are responsible for only ourselves. You are not responsible for your parents, siblings or friends. You can only control your own actions and reactions--and even that proves to be impossible sometimes. So, don't feel guilty or responsible for your parents.
___Try to understand that even if both of your parents equally wanted to get divorced, it still is a painful transition and takes a lifetime to heal and fully recover. Because this is true, then fighting and unkind behavior often are seen.
___Keeping these things in mind, it is very important that you communicate your feelings. Remember that in even this effort you cannot control their response. But sometimes when people are hurting and angry, they do not see how their behavior is affecting the ones they love most. You know your parents, and so you must decide the best way to talk to them. Should it be face-to-face or in a letter? Should you talk to them together or individually? If you don't let them know how you feel, then it's impossible for them to change anything.
___Finally, remember Christmas is much more than just family. It's a sacred time. Cherish, seek out and create a special season between you and the Lord. It will help you restore the joy of Christmas.
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