January 27, 1999
FAMILY MATTERS:
How can I control the rage I vent at home?
___Normally, I am a kind person, and I love my wife. There are times, though, when she says something that really sets me off, and I go into a rage. I yell and say terrible things to her. When I am upset, I don't seem to care, but later, I always feel guilty. In fact, I usually apologize and sometimes buy her a gift to try to make up for the way I treated her. She is a good woman, and she says she knows I love her, but she has told me if I don't quit treating her so mean, she will not stay with me. What can I do?
___You must be called to account for your behavior. Your problem is, unfortunately, fairly common. Many people often behave well in the workplace and act as tyrants
at home.
MARY STEDHAM
Family Therapist
Abilene
___Too often, these people lead double lives. The public self and the private self are not alike. This behavior can go on for years and becomes a shameful family secret. Whether it is physical or emotional, this behavior is abusive.
___You asked what you can do. In addition to being grateful for your wife's brave new stand, you can seek help. It appears you have a "soft spot," a pocket of pain that likely is rooted in events as far back as your childhood. When your wife hits that spot, you react like a wounded animal. When you realize how vicious you have been, you feel ashamed.
___The day has come when saying you are sorry no longer will repair the damage; you must dig deeper and pull out the roots of your rage.
___The problem is not with your wife. The problem is your insecurity. You try to act sure of yourself, but you are easily threatened. Living with you is like walking in a mine field. It's dangerous, even deadly.
___You must admit your problem. Secure people can admit to struggles and ask for help. Insecure people are afraid to acknowledge any failings. Just as Jesus often taught, the answer to our pain and sin rests in doing the opposite of what we feel like doing. Admit to a trusted person--a professional counselor, pastor or friend--that you have a problem with rage. Whoever you choose, you need to be held accountable for your actions.
___Just as the first pastor, James, wrote, we must be "doers of the word." We must attain the "high calling in Christ Jesus." He calls you to a higher standard than you have yet enjoyed in your marriage.
___I pray you will allow him to strengthen you so you may do what you long to and need to for the sake of your marriage.Frontpage / Contents/ Masthead / Why We're Here / Links / Archive / E-mail us/ SUBSCRIBE!