March 31, 1999
Wives also carry burden of isolation, pain
___By Toby Druin
___Editor Emeritus
___RIDGECREST, N.C.--The minister most often bears the brunt of critical attacks, but in any skirmish between him and his church, his wife usually is scarred as well, and she is the one who has to bind up his and their family's wounds.
___The role of the minister's wife--his "wounded partner"-- was given special attention during the fourth Wounded Heroes Retreat at Ridgecrest Conference Center.
___Ministers' wives share five common denominators, said Joy Brown, wife of Pastor Wayne Brown of First Baptist Church of Myrtle Beach, S.C., and one of a group of encouragers who spoke at the retreat.
___The common denominators, Brown said, are:
___Hurt. "All of us as ministers' wives hurt."
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___Brown compared the plight of many ministers' wives with that of Hagar, handmaiden to Abraham's wife, Sarah, who was banished to the wilderness--a forced termination-- after she had borne Abraham's son, Ishmael.
___"Hagar had been hurt by doing what she thought was right," Brown said. "Some of you have been servants to your people but have been stabbed in the back. It's not fair, but it happens."
___"A lot of what happens is because people are not in the will of God," she said. "Many have wounded you, and you are out in the wilderness. Hagar was most worried about her child, and many of you are worried about yours and what your experience in the church will do to them."
___She reminded the wives at the retreat that God heard the cries of Hagar, telling her where to look for help.
___"God already has provided the answer," Brown said. "Pray and leave the results to God."
___Many of the wives shared feelings of rejection and mistreatment during group sessions.
___One young wife, who said she had been rejected as a child by her mother, had felt she had finally found a home in the church she and her husband were serving, but had been fired and rejected after nine years. "Our house and everything are gone. The worst rejection of all is to be rejected by your church."
___Another, echoing complaints by several wives, said her teenage daughter had dropped out of church because of the way church members were treating her father and the things she was hearing them say about him.
___And another said she had never been as lonely as she felt as a pastors' wife, lacking close friendships and unable to voice her opinion for fear of bringing criticism on her husband.
___Ministers were reminded of the different ways men and women communicate, men thinking systematically and wanting to solve problems, while women think more structurally and may just want to talk rather than arrive at a solution every time they engage in conversation with their husbands.
___"The thing a husband wants most is respect," said Eric Scalise, one of the facilitators for the retreat. "The thing a wife wants most is love."
___At week's end, the wives said the retreat had given them hope for the future.
___"I never realized anyone was hurting like I have been hurting," said the wife of an Alabama pastor. "Now I think I have the strength to go on."
___Another said: "There's no pain like the pain you can't share with anyone. Thank God, we've been able to share it here this week."
___"I came here so angry at God," said another, "I hoped that I would come out of this week with the ability to go out and minister to others. I would go through the abuse of the last four years to get to be here this week it has meant so much to me."
___A network of ministers' wives to minister to others is being established through the Wounded Partners office of Wounded Heroes. Persons interested in participating or needing someone to talk to contact the Wounded Heroes office in Euless at 817-571-6907 or write to P. O. Box 156, Euless 76039.Frontpage / Contents/ Masthead / Why We're Here / Links / Archive / E-mail us/ SUBSCRIBE!