March 31, 1999
FAMILY MATTERS:
Help children adjust to parents' divorce
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My husband and I are divorcing. We want to help our children through the transition. They are in elementary school, so they are aware of what's going on in the family. Please offer us some suggestions that will help all of us.
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Divorce is hard on everyone. Each family member has to process the change and emotions in his own way.
KAY TOWERS
Children's Specialist,
Killeen
___It is important that you both talk with the children. Commu-nication is the key in knowing what your children are thinking. Listen with open ears to what they are saying or asking. Let them know it is OK to express their thoughts and feelings. Assure them that it is all right to be sad or angry. Reassure them of both parents' love for them and that you both will continue to provide for them.
___Some questions often asked by children dealing with divorce are: "Who will I live with?" "Will we have to move away from this house?" "Will I have to leave my friends?" "Will you quit loving me some day?" "Will I still be able to do things?" "Who will give me money or buy my clothes?" Be honest with them. If you don't know the answer, say so.
___Often children feel like they have caused the divorce by something they did or did not do. They will feel responsible or guilty. Help your children understand that what is happening is the result of the relationship between the two adults and not anything to do with their actions or behavior.
___Keep their routines the same as much as possible. This lends security to their lives. Staying in touch with friends and family helps.
___It is helpful to make school and church teachers aware of what is going on so they might be able to minister to your children. If they know of changes in the family, they will be more able to understand any behavioral changes that might occur.
___Try to avoid the "Santa trap" that many parents get into. It is not which parent can provide the most gifts or entertainment that counts. It is consistent love and discipline that is important and will benefit your children.
___Remember, both of you are the parents of your children. It is to the advantage of your children not to speak negatively of the other parent.
___Pray with your children for each member of the family. Share with the children that you pray for them and you want them to pray for both of you. Thank God for his ever-present love, and seek his guidance and wisdom daily.
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