April 7, 1999
FAMILY MATTERS:
When do we suspend the 'house rules'?
___
Our oldest child is graduating from high school. He plans to go to college in the fall but will live at home this summer. He thinks he should be allowed to come and go as he pleases. I think he should continue to abide by the "house rules," but my husband sees the request as reasonable. Our two younger children will be wondering why their brother is getting special privileges. What do you say?
___I say: "Bless you! And bless your son!" Obviously, you both have done some good things. He is planning to continue his education. You have taught him to value the mind God gave him and to use it well.
MARY STEDHAM
Family Therapist
Abilene
___But your family is approaching a major transition. When he goes to college, your son will not have you there to set limits for him or to see that he lives within them. If you stop to think about that, it may be wise to give him some space while you are nearby to see him through any problems he may have with managing his new freedom and responsibility. A trial time may prove incredibly valuable to everyone.
___As for the younger siblings and their natural cry of "unfair," be assured that it is good for parents to allow different privileges to children of different ages. Sometimes, parents need to say, "That, my child, is reserved for a later point in time, when you are a little older." That leaves them with some things to anticipate.
___You have established solid limits with your older child, but the time has come to mark a passage. Graduation from high school seems like a reasonable time to say: "You may come in whenever you choose, son. We ask that you be respectful enough of our concern for you to let us know if you will be out especially late. We are trusting you and your judgment. We fully expect that you will handle this responsibility well." Not only does that set some reasonable boundaries, but it strongly affirms your trust in your son. He needs to hear those words of blessing.
___Letting go is hard, but it is one of those "good and hard" assignments. We parents are called to loosen our grip and commit our children to God's faithful care. We must trust him--as we learn to trust them. Remember, mom, you and dad are not alone. Our ever-present God has sent us his Holy Spirit for just such a time as this. He surely will walk with you and with your priceless, beloved son. May he richly bless you both!
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