May 12, 1999

Ministers' wives offer counsel
for dealing with aging parents
___CEDAR HILL--Adult children have a responsibility to care for aging parents, but they should not feel guilt-driven to believe there is only one right way to do it, said two ministers' wives who have first-hand experience.
___"Every situation is different," said Mary Jo Maples, whose husband, Dick, is coordinator of minister/church relations for the Baptist General Convention of Texas.
___Her own mother lived in retirement centers, first in Bryan and later in Alabama. She and other family members personally cared for her husband's parents.
___Maples and Charlotte Ware led a seminar on "Parenting Our Parents" at the Texas Baptist Ministers' Wives' Retreat.
___The two women spoke of being in a "sandwich generation," compressed between ongoing responsibilities with their children and grandchildren and new duties caring for aging parents.
___Ware and her husband, Weston, associate director of the Texas Baptist Christian Life Commission, brought her mother into their home to live with them for 12 years.
___"Caring for your aging relatives doesn't always mean doing it the way they expect to be cared for, nor does it mean doing it the way your parents did it," Ware said.
___Ware suggested five steps in caring for aging parents:
___ Have a family conference involving all immediate family members.
___ Gather information such as financial records, insurance coverage; wills or trusts.
___ Get a medical evaluation of the parent.
___ Decide on housing. When possible, the best alternative is for the aging parent to stay in his or her own home, she said.
___ Deal with resistance firmly and lovingly. "Love is doing what people need, not just what they want--and not just what we want, either," Ware said. "If there is resistance, just hang in there."

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