July 21, 1999
Healthy families learn how to
respond to conflict, women told
___By Marv Knox
___Editor
___SAN ANTONIO--All families deal with anger, but healthy families know how to respond to it, marriage and family counselor Sandra Young-Whigham insists.
___Young-Whigham led a discussion seminar on "Resolving Family Conflict" at the Celebrating the Hispanic Woman conference in San Antonio.
___"It's OK to be angry," said Young-Whigham, a clinical supervisor for Buckner Children and Family Services in Dallas. "Your responsibility is how you respond. If you're too emotional, you don't respond; you react. To be able to respond correctly, you need to assume emotional responsibility for the conflicts in your life."
___Four factors are crucial in resolving conflict, she reported:
___Observation. "You must know what's going on in this disagreement--not only what's said, but what's contributing to what's said," she advised.
___Often, the apparent cause of conflict isn't the real cause at all, she said. For example, stress from work often can be the source of anger in a spouse, even though it's expressed as anger at the mate or a child. She described a husband who had a bad day at the office and came home frustrated, but his wife reacted as if he were angry or displeased with her.
___"A lot of people react out of stress or anger, and you have to recognize it," she urged.
___An obstacle to clear observation is placing blame, Young-Whigham said. "We deny responsibility for problems; we blame. Then, things get misinterpreted and pushed onto something else.
___"In conflict, one of the first things you should ask is, 'What is my responsibility here?' When you focus on blame, the situation never gets resolved."
___
___In conflict, the combatants may think they are angry, but what they really feel is the need to be loved, she explained. Understanding this component of relationships helps family members deal more responsibly and redemptively with the issues.
___
___"Most of us don't know our needs," she observed. "So many times, men and women clash over this. Women and men have different needs. That's OK; we weren't made to be the same."
___ Couples and families that develop close, intimate relationships are able to distinguish between each other's wants and needs and understand how to meet the deep needs, she said.
___Five "bricks" comprise the wall that separates family members' intimacy and ability to meet those needs and resolve conflict, Young-Whigham said.
___First is fear. "Some people fear rejection, of not being loved," she reported. "We must be vulnerable, willing to take risks. Our weaknesses can be links to each other."
___Second is insecurity. "People feel unloved," she said. "We must allow ourselves to be loved by others."
___Third is inappropriately seeking love. "Don't go looking for love," she urged. "Love finds you. You can't be afraid of it. You have to let the other person love you; be open to love."
___Fourth is game-playing. Many marriages and families are hurt by the desire to get even for a perceived slight, she explained. "Someone says, 'You did this to me, so I'm going to do that to you.' Show your true feelings and discuss them. Don't play games."
___Fifth is fatigue and time pressures. These two factors rob marriages and families of intimacy, she said. "Intimacy is not a luxury. It's a requirement," she added, urging couples and families to safeguard their time together.
___
___For example, she cited a wife's desire for her husband to take out the garbage. "If you make a demand, you won't get the garbage taken out," she said. "The trick is how you ask. Say, 'When you don't take out the garbage, I feel like you don't value me and don't care if our home is clean. Would you please take out the garbage?'"
___A vital aspect of family conflict resolution is learning to ask the "healing question," she noted.
___"Ask, 'Will you forgive me?'" she said. "One of the greatest gifts Jesus taught us is forgiveness."
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