July 21, 1999

EDITORIAL: Marriage:
From fairy tale to reality
___The idea that a couple can live happily ever after seems as fake as a fairy tale to multiplied thousands of American teenagers.
___Among high school seniors, only 64 percent of girls and 59 percent of boys believe they will stay married to the same person for life. Only 30 percent of girls and 40 percent of boys believe married people are happier than singles and cohabiting couples.
___David Popenoe of Rutgers University and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead of the Institute for American Values documented these unsettling findings in a new study, "The State of Our Unions: The Social Health of Marriage in America," reported by Religion News Service.
___Popenoe and Whitehead looked at marriage statistics and studies that cover the past four decades. Two findings stand out:
___Married couples are healthier and happier, and their marriages provide the best place for raising healthy and happy children. But marriage is seen as unnecessary by increasing numbers of young Americans, who choose not to get married and to raise children outside marriage.
___"It's not surprising they've grown increasingly pessimistic about their own chances," Popenoe said. "They're aware of the very high divorce rate, many of them have come from broken homes, and you run into kids who today haven't even seen a good marriage."
___If you think he's talking about the world "out there," think again. Christians are getting divorced at a higher rate than non-Christians, according to a poll by religion researcher George Barna. Twenty-seven percent of Christian adults have been divorced, compared to 23 percent of non-Christians.
___So, what are we to do? Here are some ideas for Baptists concerned about families:
___ Make marriage intentional. Quick-and-easy weddings often lead to quick-and-nasty divorces, research reveals. Most couples marry without premarital counseling, much less any objective evaluation of whether the marriage stands a chance.
___The Marriage Savers organization works to fix this problem. In numerous communities, Marriage Savers has recruited ministers to agree they will not perform a wedding until the couple has undergone premarital counseling and completed a survey that rates their compatibility. The agreement has cancelled many ill-fated weddings and caused even more couples to get counseling to strengthen their young marriages.
___The Covenant Marriage Movement takes a similar position. Materials related to both organizations are available from LifeWay Christian Resources and LifeWay Christian Stores.
___ Equip couples for healthy marriages. Churches can take many steps to help members develop and maintain strong and vibrant marriages.
___Couples need to hear sermons on marriage, and not just about who's in charge. Sermons about sacrificial love, unconditional love, commitment, stewardship, communication, faithfulness and conflict resolution, to name just a few topics, all can include at least one point that relates them to marriage. Similarly, churches ought to sponsor marriage enrichment events and classes that deal with all those topics and more, aimed at strengthening marriage bonds and deepening marriage relationships. Churches also can help couples to network with other couples, who encourage and strengthen each other through solid friendships.
___ Build strong families. Ideas for creating healthy marriages can be applied to strengthening families. Moms, dads and children need to hear sermons on how families succeed and fail. Curriculum for every age group ought to include material designed to aid families to grow in understanding, loyalty, helpfulness and love for each other and for Christ. Church events should be designed to bring families together for fun and fellowship, not segregate them. And, perhaps most effectively, churches ought to help members form family friendships for nurture and support.
___ Mentor and model. A key component of Marriage Savers is mentoring. A mature, experienced couple pairs with a young couple to offer advice and encouragement. Beyond that, married couples need to model Christian love so their children will see how blessed a biblical marriage can be.
___ Pray. Pray for the marriages in your church. Pray that couples will find God's way and will for their families. And pray that children growing up will experience loving marriages they can copy when they, too, are married.
___ --Marv Knox

E-mail the editor at marvknox@flash.net

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