October 23, 2000
FAMILY MATTERS:
Help children handle grandmother's death
___My wife died last month. I am confident she is in heaven. But something is troubling me. My grandchildren did not attend her funeral because my son and his wife did not want them to. Their grandmother loved them so, and they were devoted to her. They are 9, 8 and 4 years old. Am I wrong to have wanted them there?
MARY STEPHENS
Vice President
Buckner Retirement Services, Dallas
___There really are no right or wrong feelings about this. During the loss of a loved one, emotions may be raw, and family differences about the funeral can lead to a lifetime of hurt. I am glad you respected your son and daughter-in-law's wishes.
___Parents' comfort level with children seeing certain aspects of death often is framed by their own experiences. Each individual brings to grief very different emotions and memories.
___The age and maturity of the children and the circumstances of the death of the loved one can impact the decision of whether or not children attend funerals. And their attendance at other rituals surrounding death can be just as significant as being at the funeral.
___During the next few weeks and months, you will have many opportunities with your grandchildren to honor your wife. Perhaps she enjoyed a park or museum. You could take the grandchildren and reminisce about times they may have had with her there.
___Take comfort in the presence of your grandchildren, as they each reflect her genetic as well as personal influences. Let them know of their traits and physical resemblance that remind you of her. That way they will always have some of "Grandma" with them.
___Discuss with your son and daughter-in-law ways you can help the grandchildren deal with this loss. Open dialogue and a coordinated effort will help the children to avoid getting mixed messages.
___If you sense that your son and daughter-in-law are not dealing with this in an appropriate manner, confide in a trusted person, such as your pastor. Ask this person to pray with you for Christ-like ways in which you can deal with your concerns.
___Also, be sure you do not make a "shrine" of your wife's memory. Although we grieve terribly for lost mates or loved ones, we must have closure at some point. They would want that for us.
___But most of all, share with your grandchildren your assuredness that their grandmother is in heaven. What a wonderful testimony to a life of faith that would be for them.
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