October 30, 2000
DOWN HOME:
If purgatory really exists, we might have found it
___Most Baptists don't agree with Catholics' doctrine of purgatory. But if they're right and we're wrong, I think I know where purgatory must be.
___According to Catholic theology, purgatory is a place of waiting, where "all who die in God's grace and friendship, but still imperfectly purified" go immediately after the body dies. In purgatory, they await purification, which is acquired by the actions of living people who offer prayers as well as "almsgiving, indulgences and works of penance undertakenon behalf of the dead."
MARV KNOX
Editor
___Purgatory played a role in the Protestant Reformation. In 1517, a monk named John Tetzel perverted the doctrine, claiming people could buy indulgences and get forgiveness for sins they hadn't committed yet. Sort of like a sin debit card. This made Martin Luther mad. He wrote a note of protest and nailed it to the church door at Wittenburg, and that ultimately split the Roman Catholic Church.
___But enough fun facts from history. If the Catholics are right and purgatory exists, I think I've found it.
___The mall.
___Purgatory's not all bad, like hell. But it's far, far from perfect, like heaven. And it's apparently a place where, if you have to go there, you want to leave ASAP. Also, it's a place where, when you finally do leave, you and/or your loved ones are much poorer.
___So, purgatory must be a mall.
___I made this important theological discovery a couple of Saturdays ago. Make that rainy Saturdays. I couldn't work in the yard, so I tagged along with Joanna, Lindsay and Molly to a new mall in Frisco. It's about the size of Bolivia, only with more stuff to sell.
___Unfortunately, the girls wanted and/or needed to buy some blouses. If the mall is purgatory, then a clothing store for teenage girls is you-know-where. I don't know exactly what hell is like, but I can't imagine they have chairs there, just like clothing stores for teenage girls.
___Like a guardian angel, Jo waved me out of the store. "Why don't you go wait in the mall?" she suggested. "There's a bench right down there."
___Like I'd have a chance to sit on a bench. You know, in a bus a gentleman should give up his seat for a lady. That's no problem in a mall, because women are in the stores, not cruising for a place to sit down. But in a mall, a 44-year-old guy still doesn't have a chance. Social etiquette dictates benches should go to the guys carrying babies and the geezers with support shoes.
___With blouses picked out, Jo pulled out her indulgence card, paid the fee, and we were released.
___I'm not sure if I achieved purification at the mall, but I know our bank account was lightened while we were there. And afterward, I found blessed relief. We went to a movie.
___I know what you're thinking. It wasn't "Charlie's Angels."
__
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