CYBERCOLUMN:
On this road
___By Berry Simpson
___I ran for two hours one recent Saturday morning, following a long out-and-back route along the Concho River in San Angelo. I was there with my loving wife, Cyndi, on a private retreat at the Christ the King Retreat Center.
___ Typically, I listen to National Public Radio through my small earphones when I run on
Saturday mornings. I love listening to those programs. It's actually a big part of the reason I run a long way every weekend. However, because of the nature of this retreat, I wanted to depart from my normal Saturday morning routine to open up my mind to God. Sometimes, a subtle break in routine is all the opening God needs to sneak in.
___ I brought my cassette player and a tape I'd made with some of my favorite spiritual songs. I wanted to pump those songs into my brain as I ran. After all my years of running, I know how this works for me. If I listen to music like this, it will have an impact on me--even if I'm not paying close attention.
___ As it turned out, I didn't think much about the music at first. I was just running and enjoying the cool morning air. That is, until I got to the Bell Street Bridge. Chris Rice was singing "My Tree," and he sang about a sequence I liked: First I wrote Cyndi's name down, then I wrapped my heart around it, and then put an arrow through to make it permanent. Pretty cool, huh? (Rice didn't used Cyndi's name, but I extrapolated.) I wrapped my heart around Cyndi's name.
___ The next song was one of my favorites by Rich Mullins, "We are Not as Strong as We Think We Are." I want so much to be strong and big and take on all comers and all ideas. I want to handle my own problems, and I want to be as strong as I think I am. But I'm not.
___ It occurred to me that not being as strong as I want to be, or as strong as I think I am, might be a blessing from God. I thought weakness was a flaw, but maybe it was a gift! Since when have I ever turned toward God when I felt strong? If I never realized my own weaknesses, would I have ever sought after God? Probably not.
___ Well, I'd been praying that God would give me a heart to know him. How did I expect him to actually do that? Would I wake up some morning, and there I'd have it, a heart for God?
___ Pretty naïve, don't you think? God answered my prayer by reminding me of my weaknesses. That wasn't what I expected.
___ Later during the run, I heard "Lord of the Dance" by Stephen Curtis
___ Chapman. He sang, "I am the heart, You are the heartbeat/I am the eyes; You are the sight."
___ I found myself completely stopped, standing beside the trail, facing the river, holding both hands up toward God. How did that happen, I wondered? And who was watching? Boy, was that a big break in my normal routine.
___ The final song on my tape that morning was "Farther On," by Russ Taff: "It's hard to know which bridge to cross and which bridge I should be burning/I long to learn, but I'm so slow being taught/Now I'm standing on this road/Your hand has brought me to/Your faithful love will lead me farther on."
___ I was once again running across the Bell Street Bridge, only this time I was heading back toward CKRC, with an hour-and-a-half worth of sweat on my body. My favorite line from this song was the one about bridges: I'm continually confused which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn behind me. However, this time it was that last part of the chorus that caught my attention.
___ Again, I stopped in my tracks right on the bridge, but this time I had great big tears rolling down my face. Fortunately, I was so wet from sweat no one driving by noticed I was crying.
___ I was crying because I was afraid. Afraid of what was next in our life. Afraid that what was next wouldn't be better or more prosperous or more fulfilling. Afraid that the next step in our future would be more of the same, and maybe harder.
___ So on Saturday morning, on the Bell Street Bridge, I found myself standing on the road that God had brought me to. I knew his faithful love would lead me farther on, but I was afraid of the only glimpse of that road that I could see.
___ I was afraid, but God's faithful love trumps fear. On that Saturday morning, I took another big step into God's future, with both hands in the air in surrender, determined to stop relying on my own strength (which, by the way, isn't as strong as I think it is). I'll just have to be afraid if that's what it means to trust God.
___ "Now, I'm standing on this road your love has brought me to ... and I know, your faithful love will lead me farther on."
___ Berry Simpson is a petroleum engineer, writer, runner and Sunday School teacher at First Baptist Church in Midland.
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