November 6, 2000

FAMILY MATTERS:
Help is available for addicts, families
___My 22-year-old son just came to me and said: "My life is a mess. I am an alcoholic." Ironically, I was thrilled, because we have known he was destroying himself but would not admit his problem. Now, I don't know what to do. Where do I start to help him?

MARY STEDHAM Family Counselor Abilene

__You were wise to wait for him to "figure it out." Until someone with an addiction takes responsibility for the problem, all your efforts to help will fall flat. They will not be appreciated or effective. We cannot do for others what they must do for themselves.
___Jesus realized this and ministered out of it. He asked simple questions, like, "Do you want to be healed?" Unless people are in a receptive mode, even the grace of God can't penetrate denial.
___Your son has now answered yes. This is the time to act and to act quickly before fear of admitting his struggle takes over, and his "wall" goes back up.
___He has made a plea for help because he doesn't know where to start. Alcoholism, as with other addictions, creates a fog that takes months, even years, to clear. People who are dependent on drugs cannot think straight. Amazingly, they sometimes can function at work or socially well enough to cover. People around them may not have a clue, but it is rare for an addict to hide from family that there is a problem.
___Some families handle the situation by joining in the denial, ignoring the elephant in the living room that everyone steps around but never acknowledges.
___Fortunately, other families see the problem, realize their limits and pray that life consequences will bring their loved one to deal with the brokenness, pain and disease addiction grows out of and perpetuates.
___ Encourage your son to begin attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings soon.
___ Attend Al-Anon meetings yourself. They are for people who live with alcoholics and need to understand their own role.
___ Set helpful boundaries for yourself and your addict.
___ Persist. If your son drops out of AA, continue to gain all you can from Al-Anon. Lapses in behavior are not signs of insincerity; they are natural. Recovery is a process.
___ If your son never has been evaluated for Attention Deficit Disorder, I recommend an evaluation.
___ Pray without ceasing, with a heart newly grateful for the way God's love can come to us in unexpected ways.
___It will--in the very midst of this.
___

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