December 11, 2000
FAMILY MATTERS:
Christmas without baby is a sad time
__All the emphasis on the birth of a baby at Christmas is painful for me this year. My baby was due right at Christmas time, but things went wrong, and I delivered my lifeless son almost three months early. I have no desire to be around babies right now. Will I ever feel normal again?
MARY STEDHAM
Family Counselor
Abilene
___I can only imagine your pain, but God knows your heart and its deep hurt. We emphasize the coming of the Christ child at this time of year, but we must never lose sight of the purpose God had in sending that baby, his own child, to us. He wanted us to know how deeply committed he was--and still is--to walking through life with us. That is what Immanuel means, "God with us."
___Desire to avoid talking of your baby's death or of being around people, especially infants, is normal. In a world that is so preoccupied with "instant" everything, we have come to see grief as a process that can be shortened if "done right." Grief, especially the loss of a child, is a process that requires years, not weeks. To expect yourself to be back to "normal" anytime soon is unrealistic.
___It is crucial that you remember you do not walk alone. Even this painful road can be traveled in faith. Holding onto your faith does not, however, mean you must look or act a certain way. Tell your family that you are struggling, and let them love you. It is far better for them to know the nature of your battles so they can pray for you and give you freedom to do what you need to do. You do not have to be strong. You can, instead, rely on God's presence to strengthen you as he walks with you. Realize and remember that he uses human hands to reach out to you and offer comfort. Let those around you offer such comfort. It will help you, and it also will help them.
___There are support groups like Compassionate Friends that can provide a safe place to share with other parents who have lost children. You may want to seek out a counselor who can let you be painfully honest about where you are. You may even have a friend who has gone through a similar loss. As much as you would like to pull away and isolate yourself until you have gotten "over it," you must know that it is very difficult to get over grief like yours alone. Simply talking about your sadness, your anger, your struggles is a part of the healing. The Jews had wailing walls. Perhaps we should learn something from them. It is OK to cry, to scream out, to question, to struggle with a loss like yours. God is committed to walking with us--through it.
___That is the promise of Christmas.
___That is Immanuel!
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