January 19, 2000
FAMILY MATTERS:
Give children time to
adjust to relationships
___I am a single-parent mom with two sons, ages 9 and 11. After being divorced for five years, I recently started dating a man I met at church. This is presenting a real behavioral problem with the boys.
KAY TOWERS
Program Coordinator
LifeWay Fellowship
Killeen
___You have a very common dilemma. Your boys probably have been the center of your life and now are having to share you with someone else. They are trying to adjust to a new phase of your life, and theirs as well. Fears as to how this new relationship is going to affect your relationship with them are natural. It is possible they feel responsible for you and want to take care of and protect you. When children do not know how to verbalize their feelings, they often change behaviorally.
___Reassure them no one is going to take their place. Let them know each is special to you. Communicate. Encourage them to speak their thoughts and concerns. Help them correct false assumptions, but do not ignore or diminish their feelings.
___Remember, this is a change for everyone. Change is difficult and often takes a time of adjustment. Allow them time to feel comfortable with your new relationship. Let them know you would like them to get to know the person you are dating. Tell them the things you think they would like about him. Think of things they would enjoy doing with the two of you. You might suggest that your friend take the boys for an outing with just the three of them.
___If the boys are close to their dad, this could be part of their concern. Help them realize this person is not trying to take their dad's place. Help them understand he will not alter their relationship with their dad. This person is someone you enjoy being with, and it is important for you to have adult relationships.
___If your church has a singles group, suggest a social or fellowship where children are included. In the setting of an activity where they are with other children in similar situations, children often begin to relate to others and work through their feelings.
___Maybe you could invite other singles with children to your home. Talk with others who have experienced the same thing.
___The fact you are aware of what is happening is in your favor. With prayer, time, patience and communication, the solution will come. The main thing is to reassure your children you are there for them, you will take care of them and they are an important part of your family.
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