February 16, 2000
FAMILY MATTERS:
Grandparents can help children of divorce
___Our son and his wife recently divorced. We have three grandchildren, ages 9, 6 and 3. Since the children live with their mother, we do not get to see them as often as before their parents divorced. And, to be honest, it is sometimes awkward when we do get to see them. The older child, a son, blames our son for leaving the family home. We want to continue to have a relationship with our grandchildren and want to know how we can do so.
MARY STEPHENS
Vice president, Buckner Retirement Services, Dallas
___Be heartened to know there is a trend to establish the rights of grandparents. It would be much better, though, to work on the relationship with the children and their mother than to try to establish some legal standing.
___Remember, your son's ex-wife is the mother of your grandchildren. Without her, these precious gifts from God would not exist. It is important to affirm your relationship with your grandchildren without falling victim to the temptation to participate in the divorce "blame game."
___Be patient, since your grandchildren may only see their father under terms of the custody agreement and they may, naturally, want time with him all to themselves. Perhaps your son could arrange for all of you to have lunch together after church.
___You also could speak with the children's mother to see if there are times you could have the children for a visit. Assure her you will affirm her as their mother so she will not be threatened by your visits.
___Although it may seem awkward to call their mother's home to speak to them, continue to do so. The grandchildren need constancy in their lives now more than ever. The relationship with grandparents often can be the stabilizing factor they seek.
___You could volunteer to pick the older children up after school on some days. That would allow you to have time with them and also help the mother as she juggles the tasks of a single parent.
___Continue to work with the parents' schedules so that you can maintain the special events you had with the children before the divorce.
___Often children feel guilt when their parents divorce. Loving relationships with grandparents are one way children can see their worth and importance within the family.
___And you still are family to these children. Divorce does not cause that relationship to stop. Help the children see that in your interactions with them.
___
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