March 22, 2000
FAMILY MATTERS:
Grandfather, child bond
again after stroke
___My husband recently had a mild stroke. The major change has been his inability to walk, so he uses a wheelchair. Our 3-year-old granddaughter is reluctant to sit with him. Prior to the stroke, she enjoyed siting with him. He loves to hold her and read to her. Although he doesn't say much, I can see in his eyes he is hurt.
MARY STEPHENS
Vice President
Buckner Retirement Services, Dallas
___How difficult for your husband and how wonderful of you to notice that he feels somewhat less able to be the grandfather he was before the stroke.
___This is an age when toddlers are beginning to express their independence. It is possible that, whether he was in a wheelchair or not, being held may not seem as adventurous as exploring your house, yard or neighborhood!
___Your husband might want to capitalize on this spirit of adventure. Perhaps when he is not sitting in the wheelchair, he might let the child sit in and learn about the wheelchair. Explaining that this is now the way that her grandfather can be independent and go many of the places he wants to go will be a good lesson.
___Also, teaching the child to respect the chair and not see it as a plaything is important. This is an opportunity to let the child see what others must face each day.
___It might help to watch the child for signs that she wants to sit with her grandfather. Capturing those moments will begin the reuniting process. If your husband has been in the hospital or in rehabilitation away from your home, the child may need to reconnect with him.
___When the child comes to visit, plan for some quiet play time without a lot of outside stimulation. If the child is sitting and playing near where her grandfather is sitting, she may be more apt to come to him than when there are other children, pets or distractions--such as the television--competing for her attention.
___And if the wheelchair seems to continue to be a barrier, perhaps your husband could sit in another chair. If there was a chair that he sat in when he read to her, and he is able to sit in it now, that might be an option rather than trying to get the child to accept the chair.
___By continuing her relationship with her grandfather, your granddaughter will help establish normalcy for your husband. That is very important. He is still the same person, as you know, and validating his continuing importance to the family is key to re-establishing his role as the cherished grandfather.
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