April 24, 2000
FAMILY MATTERS:
Relationship with mother calls for trust
___Once I left home, my mother and I never had a close relationship. In fact, except for holidays, I seldom see her. My brother called and told me Mom is beginning to need someone to help her. He thinks, since I am the daughter, it would be better that I be the one to provide help to her. How can I do this?
MARTY STEPHENS
Vice President, Buckner Retirement Services, Dallas
___You have a dilemma. Yet the very fact you are asking this question is a good start on, hopefully, a positive outcome.
___It might be a good idea for you, your brother and other involved family members to discuss this situation. For example, what kind of help does your mother need? If she just needs someone to help her clean the house or mow the lawn, that is a drastically different situation than if she is unable to take care of her basic needs.
___Professionals also can help with an assessment of your mother's needs. A call to your church or to an agency that assists with eldercare in the senior adult's home is a good start.
___But at the heart of your question is a concern that your relationship is not such that your mother will accept you as her caregiver. Or, possibly, you are not sure you want to take the responsibility that will be required of you. You may be feeling guilty or resentful.
___Family dynamics and interpersonal relationships can be stressful. But I will go back to the fact you cared enough to at least ask the question, "How can I do this?"
___First, find a way to communicate with your mother. Even if you never have the close, loving relationship you may see with other mothers and daughters, you will want to communicate enough to develop respect and trust.
___Second, your mother, if she accepts your new role, will have to trust you with the most intimate aspects of her self. Her health, her finances and her life habits will be an open book to you as time goes on. This loss of control on her part will be very difficult.
___Finally, if you accept this role, you will have to understand there will be times you will need help. You should not shoulder this responsibility alone. Your other siblings and involved relatives should be willing to assist you with these responsibilities. I strongly suggest you find some books or articles about needs of caregivers.
___You may find, through this process, that your relationship with your mother, although it may not be perfect, does have some positive outcomes for you as well as for your mother.
Send this story to a friend
Contents/ Masthead / Why We're Here / Links / Archive / E-mail us/ SUBSCRIBE!
