April 3, 2000
FAMILY MATTERS:
Alcohol abuse puts distance in marriage
___I think my husband drinks too much. He says he isn't hurting anyone because he drinks alone and tells me to butt out. What can I do?
MARY STEDHAM
Family Counselor
Abilene
___Probably the first thing you must do is determine not to smooth things over so often. Because you are uncomfortable with the situation, you likely make it as "un-obvious" as you can. Step one, then, would be to decide you will no longer cover for your husband. That does not mean you must start to criticize him openly, but it does mean you will not be a partner to creating an image that is different from reality.
___In many Christian families, there is a person who is using alcohol to calm anxiety, relieve guilt, relax after a hard day or dull throbbing physical and/or emotional pain that cannot be escaped by that person.
___And the use of alcohol puts distance in a relationship. Someone who turns to alcohol for comfort and companionship redirects relational energy in such a way that marriage and family relationships are cheated. I am not talking here about an occasional drink shared over dinner or with friends. I am referring to the kind of drinking that becomes one's means of managing.
___Whether this is a hard-working dad, a young mother or a man whose job has been eliminated, the tragedy is the same. Someone who needs comfort and encouragement is seeking it in a place that it cannot ultimately be found. What starts out to be an answer to a problem--an innocent drink--can evolve into a problem itself, and often that problem of isolation and self-absorption creates a far greater threat in life than the original source of discomfort.?
___Alcohol dependence patterns often can be linked to genetic factors; scientific studies now support that theory. Patterns and predisposition, then, are not always a matter of one's own choosing. What is ours to choose, however, is how honest and open we will remain when such patterns begin to emerge.
___Perhaps as you become more open in addressing the reality that saddens you so, your spouse naturally will be nudged into greater openness also. You cannot do his part for him, of course, but you can do what only you can do. Alcoholism is a frightening foe. You need information, and you need support. Step out and seek both. The more you understand of this situation, the greater your hope of dealing with it wisely. Seek the truth; it can be freeing!
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