FAMILY MATTERS:
Learn how to save the family scapegoat
___My side of the family always criticizes the way we do things. We are a Christian family, but they still put us down, no matter what we do! My youngest son won't even go over there anymore. Do you have any suggestions?
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MARY STEDHAM
Family Counselor, Abilene
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___Unfortunately, in some families, one child gets singled out as the scapegoat. The scapegoat is not likely to escape blame and criticism for everything that occurs in the family.
___Also, some families are just critical of everyone. Constant criticism doesn't feel any better just because it is shared.
___You might try to:
___
Examine your own behavior. Decide if your family is speaking any truth. Before you discount everything they have said, examine yourself. Keep any legitimate criticism they may be offering, and discard the rest. It may all be trash, but take time to sift through it before you throw everything away.
___ Confront the problem. Refuse to take the role of a victim. Stand up; speak up! Be clear and concise. Give two or three brief examples of the behavior you see that drives you away from them. Give an example of how you want to be talked to and treated. This will assure you your family is not "innocently" persisting if the pattern does not change. You will know you have asked for what you need from them. Don't wait for someone to come to your rescue. You stand up!
___ Change something. Nothing changes until something changes, so you start the changes. Your youngest son's choice sounds like an appropriate one. You don't have to hand someone a gun to shoot you with. If you see they continue to attack when you are present, don't be present. Take responsibility for yourself.
___ Let it go. Most people want an ongoing, positive relationship with their family just as you do, but for some, such an experience remains only a dream. You may have to let go of the dream and instead work with what you do have. You have children of your own, and you have a church family. Let that family of faith provide for you the encouragement you so long for.
___ Trust God's provision. Believe God will provide "all your needs." He was faithful to the Apostle Paul, who wrote those words centuries ago, and he will be faithful to you. God alone can provide the acceptance and affirmation you really long for, and he did--long ago. Remember that. Above all else, remember that!
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