July 10, 2000
FAMILY MATTERS:
Father and adult daughter need to talk
___When our daughter visits, she sets the air conditioning thermostat on a lower temperature during the summer. Then she starts the dishwasher even though it is not half full. These and other things irritate my husband, but I have asked him not to say anything to her. How can I help them?
MARY STEPHENS
Vice President
Bickner Retirement Services, Dallas
___ It seems your daughter considers your home to be her home! That is a good thing, because she feels comfortable being there. But you need to address her actions.
___Perhaps she is only concerned about your welfare. Does she believe the house is so warm it could be placing you or your husband at risk of a heat-related illness?
___Are your dishes in the dishwasher so long they are not clean when she takes a glass or plate from the cupboard?
___She may not understand your motivation for having the thermostat set at a certain level or waiting for the dishwasher to be full. Many senior adults have lived in a conservative manner financially. Most of them experienced the Great Depression and also remember days before air conditioning was even available.
___When she comes into the house after being outside, she may not realize your activity level is different from hers and the temperature is fine for you.
___Sometimes adult children do not want to risk a confrontation with their parents. So, they take action that affects their parents without discussing it first. Good communication is vital, but it can be uncomfortable.
___Your comment that you do not want your husband to say anything to your daughter indicates you avoid confrontation. But delaying a discussion often only intensifies communication.
___Perhaps, since this is an issue between your husband and daughter, you might suggest to him that he explain to your daughter why the thermostat is set at a certain temperature and why you do not run the dishwasher until it is full.
___Environmental concerns are something senior adults and their adult children have in common. Your husband might be prepared with information about electricity and water conservation. This would be valuable in any discussion, because it will carry the weight of authorities on the issues.
___Your obvious care for your family is wonderful. Being open to communication will only strengthen your relationship with your daughter.
_
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