July 17, 2000
Avoid sibling rivalry by giving personal attention
___By Ken Camp
___Texas Baptist Communications
___GLORIETA, N.M.--Parents should deal with sibling children not by trying to parcel out equal care to each one but by recognizing each child's uniqueness and giving what each child needs, according to educator Carolyn Strickland.
___"Children don't need to be treated equally. They need to be treated uniquely," said
___Parents who worry about dividing everything equally among siblings are giving their children the impression they are not one-of-a-kind, she said.
___"Instead of claiming equal love, show children how they are loved uniquely," she suggested. Point out the individual qualities that make each child special and endearing.
___In addition to giving material resources according to need, time also should be allotted on the basis of who needs a parent more at a particular moment, she said.
___"Equal time can feel like less. Give time in terms of need," she advised. That lets the child know when he or she really needs a parent, mom or dad will be there and will devote undivided attention to that need.
___When conflicts arise between siblings, parents should learn to recognize whether the child is going through an age-appropriate developmental stage, Strickland noted.
___If the parent responds appropriately, the developmental stage eventually will pass. If the parent reacts inappropriately, the behavior can develop into a serious problem.
___Parents can help their children deal with their siblings by teaching them constructive ways to get attention, non-violent ways of settling disputes and appropriate ways to establish boundaries, Strickland said.
___When conflicts between siblings escalate into physical harm, parents should focus on stopping the behavior, she advised. "Refrain from attacking the attacker."
___Instead, parents can help the parties involved learn to describe the situation and establish proper limits, and they can separate them to prevent hurtful behavior.
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