FAMILY MATTERS:
Help children say goodbye to loved ones
___Our children chose to go to the funeral of a family member. Now they are asking many questions. Did we make a mistake by taking them?
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KAY TOWERS
Program Coordinator, LifeWay Fellowship, Killeen
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__ _ Knowing when to give children choices is difficult. While a child should not be forced to go to a funeral, dealing with death is essential. Experiencing the death of someone they know through attending the funeral can be a healthy part of the grief process. The funeral provides a time to say goodbye and allows the process to begin.
___Ecclesiastes 3:2 refers to "a time to be born, and a time to die." Death is a part of life and is a passage we all incur. When we help children begin to understand death at their level, they have the opportunity to grow up without the fears and false concepts many adults experience.
___The fact they are asking questions is wonderful. They are trying to process what has taken place. The questions open the door for communication. While they may lack the verbal skills to express what they are feeling, it is important for them to talk. This allows you to know what they are thinking. Listen as they talk and discuss their thoughts. As you answer their questions, you can clarify any misconceptions they have about death. In answering, make sure you answer only what was asked and in words that are appropriate for their age.
___Help the children know that even though the person is not physically present now, the memories of times with that person always are near.
___Suggest the children create a picture book or a journal recounting the life of the family member. This is a way of working through grief for adults, too.
___This activity can be shared with others in the family and be beneficial to everyone involved. Consider a trip to the graveside to continue the process.
___It is important to remember everyone does not grieve in the same way. For young children, they might be talking with you one minute and the next minute run off to play. Playing allows a child to express feelings. This is all right. Older children sometimes will withdraw to reflect. They should not be made to feel guilty for how they are processing grief. Allow them to see you grieve.
___Affirm your children with hugs and verbal support. Encourage them to talk with you at any time about their feelings and questions. Reassure them that you are there to take care of them and to provide for their needs.
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The Baptist Standard
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