AA batteries for marriage: Affection and affirmation
___By Marv Knox
___Editor
___SUGAR LAND--Healthy, happy couples will give each other two A's--affection and affirmation--not only on Valentine's Day, but throughout the year, according to a Texas
pastor's new book on "love, marriage and sex."
___"Over 2,000 years ago, God gave us a model for appreciating our spouses," writes Phil Lineberger, pastor of Williams Trace Baptist Church in Sugar Land in a book based on Song of Solomon in the Old Testament. "This is his word to us. It is up to us to follow through, to believe and do.
___"The husband's and wife's needs can be summed up in two words--affection and affirmation," Lineberger states. "Marriage is to be the most fulfilling of all human relationships. It will be if we will commit ourselves to love and appreciate our spouses."
___He bases his book on the wisdom of King Solomon of Israel, as well as his experience in counseling couples during 35 years of ministry.
___"Don't Rush Love," the book's title, is its first advice.
___"Love is a commitment," he says. "Biblical love is a commitment to respect the object loved and to seek its highest good. Biblical love is a commitment to never knowingly do anything that will bring harm. ...
___"That's why Solomon would warn people not to rush love. He was talking about the love that leads to marriage. This kind of committed love requires time and maturity.
___"Don't awaken love until God awakens it. Don't force the relationship until heart is joined to heart. Wait until God brings the right one along."
___That "right one" can be determined in part by how well he or she measures up to eight traits of a good mate, Lineberger recommends.
___Those traits are adaptability or flexibility, empathy, the ability to work through problems, the ability to give and receive love, emotional stability, similar family backgrounds, personal similarities and strong communication.
___Couples who rushed love or "got married for all the wrong reasons" are not beyond recovery, he says. Marriages can be saved if the partners want to change, if they study good material on love, marriage and sex, and if they seek the help of a wise marriage therapist.
___Any marriage will be strengthened through mutual appreciation, Lineberger insists.
___"The greatest need of every human being is to be appreciated," he writes, citing psychologist William James. "This is especially true in marriage. If a marriage is to be exciting and fulfilling, the husband must appreciate his wife, and the wife must appreciate her husband. This requires thought, commitment and effort.
___"One common difficulty in marriage is the disillusionment which often comes when a young couple discovers that their romantic dreams of perpetual bliss simply cannot be realized. This is when love must rule. ...
___"Instead of waiting for your spouse to love you, make it your task to give love. Discover the needs of the other and fill them. Try to find a way to appreciate your spouse."
___Fulfilling each other's needs comprises "what it takes" to show appreciation for one's spouse, Lineberger says.
___God's design for men and women also calls for married couples to enjoy sex, he says.
___"Some have assumed sex became unholy after sin entered the world. But not so! Sex is God's creation and is therefore a holy endeavor."
___Sex is to be enjoyed from four perspectives, he writes.
___"First, sex is to be enjoyed within marriage," he insists, citing both biblical instruction and modern research that affirm sexual activity only within a faithful marriage.
___A Pennsylvania State University study discovered "couples who live together for as little as one month before marrying displayed poorer communication and problem-solving skills than those who did not," he notes. "Cohabitation allows some people to remain relatively uncommitted and enables them to size up other people as potential mates."
___"What if you have violated this one-flesh biblical principle? Does this mean you are doomed to never be happy again?" Lineberger asks. "No! The wonderful provision of the grace of God will cleanse you from all your sin and restore the wasted years."
___Sex also "is to be enjoyed with enthusiasm," he adds.
___"Some may need to try having sex in a new setting, a different place, a different time or in a different way, so that they can return some enthusiasm to their relationship. Let imagination be your guide."
___Third, sex "is to be enjoyed with regularity," he advises. He cites the Apostle Paul's teaching that "the only activity which is to break regular sexual relations is prayer and fasting for some specific cause."
___Finally, sex "is to be enjoyed with understanding," he said. "Communication is the key to a wonderful and exciting sexual relationship. Many marriages break up because of sexual problems. Almost never is the problem physical. Almost always the problem is emotional or spiritual. There is simply a lack of communication."
___Reflecting the book's title, Lineberger urges patience. "Most couples are not going to have much fun with sex when young children are sapping all their energies. But just hang in there. You have a lot to look forward to. When the kids leave home and the dog dies, the party really picks up."
___The book is published by Williams Trace Baptist Church, 16755 Southwest Freeway, Sugar Land 77479; (281) 980-4431.
The Baptist Standard
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