June 18, 2001
FAMILY MATTERS:
Grief after death of spouse takes time
___My husband died two years ago. We had been married more than 50 years. My family and friends all tell me I should "get out more" and not dwell on the past. How can they think a person can just go on like nothing has happened after someone you have loved every day for so many years dies?
___Losing a spouse is terribly traumatic. After 50 years, your lives were almost inseparable. Emotionally, spiritually, financially and otherwise, you may have
functioned more as one than as two individuals.
MARY STEPHENS
Vice President
Buckner Retirement Services, Dallas
___Your family and friends are concerned that you are lonely and sad.
___Widows or widowers often are left alone in the home they shared with their spouse and confront memories at every turn.
___If you have stopped participating in family or social gatherings because you find them uncomfortable, know that this is a very common emotion. You have lived most of your life as part of a couple. It is sometimes difficult to assume a new role as a single. This particularly is true if you feel somehow disloyal to your spouse for being able to enjoy life.
___It is important to continue in the activities you enjoyed throughout your life. If you volunteered in the community, participated in garden or reading clubs, traveled or enjoyed a part-time job, you should continue to do these things.
___Church programs for active seniors also are a place to find encouragement and appropriate interaction. There are worthwhile service projects that are significant to those who receive the benefits as well as those involved in providing the service.
___Many churches and communities have grief-support groups that meet regularly. Often these groups are helpful, since parti-cipants experience some of the same issues. Seeing how others cope will bring perspective.
___Perhaps you might want to give a gift in memory of your husband to your church, an organization or trustworthy charity respected by your husband. This gift would honor his life and be a tangible remembrance of what his life meant.
___People grieve for loved ones in different ways and in different time frames. However, if after two years you continue to find it difficult to deal with the loss of your spouse, you may want to consult with your physician, pastor or another trusted individual. Being able to talk about your feelings is important and will help you as you travel through the grief process.
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