CYBERCOLUMN:
Romancing the church
___By Brett Younger
___When people from other churches find out I have only been at my church for three months, they often ask, "How is the honeymoon going?"
___ They have recognized pastors go through stages in their relationship to the church. The initial giddiness of "Oh, my! I can’t wait until Sunday!" will, at times, give way to a more

BRETT YOUNGER

subdued giddiness, "Oh, my, it’s almost Sunday," with regular reoccurrences of "Oh, my! I can’t wait until Sunday!" What’s not so clearly seen is that we all go through phases in our commitment to the church.
___ Marriage experts (almost an oxymoron) have identified five stages of a healthy, deepening romance. In the first stage, you believe that your beloved is absolutely perfect. Your intended is everything you have dreamed. This is not, as you might guess, the lengthiest of stages. In the second phase, you discover that the love of your life is not perfect. There are a few tiny things about your sweetie that you would like to change, and so a gentle power struggle ensues as you go about correcting those minor flaws. In the third stage, you give up on remaking your partner. Your dearest can be a pain, but you promised "for better or worse." The fourth phase moves beyond acceptance to approval. The movement from the third to fourth stage is from stability to commitment, from mere tolerance to sheer grace. Only the most fortunate, dedicated couples ever get to the fifth stage--co-creativity. Couples help each other become more of what they should be and share with others from the overflow. They become a gift to the world--doing more good together than they ever could apart.
___ This way of looking at romance is certainly not definitive. Most couples go through the stages several times. Spouses might spend time in five different stages in one day. Like many theories (especially theories on anything as ephemeral as romance), this one is partly truth and mostly fiction.
___ Nevertheless, these stages of romance offer an imperfect analogy for our individual romances with the church. At the beginning, many join a church and believe that they have found the completely flawless congregation. This is not, as you might guess, a lengthy stage. In the second, phase we discover that the church is not perfect. There are things about our churches that we want to fix. In the third stage, we give up on remaking our church into the church we have always imagined and accept it as it is. The fourth stage moves beyond acceptance to gratitude. In this phase, we see the good gifts of our church and give thanks. The fifth stage, co-creativity, includes only the most fortunate, dedicated church members. Church member and church family help one another become more of what they should be. Our romance becomes a gift to the church and to the world--doing more good together than we could ever do apart.
___ As church members, we need to recognize that we are at different stages in our romance with our church. Those of us in an initial state of bliss need to see not only that others have "been there, done that" (and hopefully will be there and do that again on occasion), but that we all will spend time in different stages. As a community of grace, we need to appreciate and celebrate the good gifts God has given our churches and together become more of what God would have us be.

___Brett Younger is pastor of Broadway Baptist Church in Fort Worth.




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