August 6, 2001
FAMILY MATTERS:
Personal time can strengthen marriage
___I am happily married, but every year about this time I feel sad because my husband does not enjoy traveling and never wants to be around crowds. I would love to go to interesting places, but I am not sure it is right to leave him to go, especially since I would be spending "our" money. He says, "Go on!" but I feel guilty.
___One of the first needs to be resolved in many marriages is the need for people
versus the need for privacy. Some folks have a far higher need to be with people than others. In fact, these extroverts replenish by being with others. Traveling certainly puts one with other people. Introverts are refueled by projects, often done alone. Those are very different needs, and it is very common for one person in a marriage to be energized by one of those and the marriage partner to be renewed by the other. That, obviously, can pose a major dilemma.
MARY STEDHAM
Family Counselor
Abilene
___One definition of love would say, "I will put your needs on the same level with my own." That simply means that I will take your needs just as seriously as my own. If either of the people in your marriage says to the other, "Well, you should enjoy what I enjoy, so if you don't we are going to do it anyway," you are headed for trouble. A people person needs to be with other people to feel satisfied. And a person who enjoys more solitude will not feel content if there are always people around.
___As to the guilt you mentioned, you would not only be doing something positive for yourself if you take an adventure, you would be giving your husband a gift. Think of how few times he has the house totally to himself.
___You can love one another deeply and still find time apart very helpful to your marriage if that time is spent doing things that put life back in you. You must remember, though, that the source of that "life energy" comes from different wells. You need to draw freely from your own and encourage him to do the same.
___Jesus was the master understander, and he understood that people are uniquely created children of God.
___He accepted the different needs of his followers and met them differently, and he still found ways to address them and to insist they respect his own needs. There truly is more room to live in than we sometimes allow ourselves. We have been freed to enjoy our journey.
___Go gladly, take your trip, and delight in that good gift!
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