November 4, 2002
Counselors offer sparklers for marriage
___By John Hall
___Texas Baptist Communications
___FORT WORTH--Husbands and wives who are strained by balancing family and work can invigorate their union 20 seconds at a time, relationship experts told ministers and their spouses at a marriage enrichment conference.
___Intimacy levels drop significantly after the first seven years of marriage or after birth of the couple's first child, professional counselors Wayne and Mary Sotile said at "Celebrating Marriage in Ministry," sponsored by the Baptist General Convention of Texas. The change comes as spouses struggle to balance work and family goals and needs, they said.
___Family life has changed dramatically as more women have become career-oriented, meaning men and women have to manage family responsibilities together, they said.
___"Things have changed for women, so things have changed for men," Mrs. Sotile said. "Things have changed for families."
___Having two career-minded people in the household can be difficult to balance, the counselors said. If spouses do not cooperate and support each other, one or both of them may become susceptible to emotional and mental troubles, they added.
___The Sotiles' research shows spouses who report that work interferes with their family life are three times more likely to develop mood disorders, 2.5 times more likely to have anxiety disorders and twice as likely to become substance abusers than those who do not have this difficulty.
___Less commonly known, the Sotiles' research indicates spouses who report that family interferes with work are 30 times more likely to develop mood disorders, 9.5 times more likely to have anxiety disorders and 11 times more likely to become substance abusers than those who do not have this struggle.
___These statistics are the result of spouses not supporting each other as they once did and partners feeling under-appreciated, Sotile said. They feel the sacrifices they make for the family go unnoticed and marriages become stale. Feeling pressed for time, spouses often fail to observe nuances in their partners' attitude.
___"We need each other's support," he said. "Never before has marriage been under such attack."
___To battle increasingly busy lives, couples should schedule time for themselves, including date nights and nights without work, the counselors suggested. Spouses can be reaffirmed in a 10-minute span in the morning with a kiss, kind words or touching of a hand, they added.
___"Think of the infinite ways that take less than 20 seconds that you can say I love you," Sotile urged.
___Small expressions of affection can have a major impact on one's life, Mrs. Sotile added.
___"It is not the big, giant things that determine if you're happy," she said. "It's the little day-to-day events that determine your happiness. It's the little stuff that makes a big difference."
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