December 9, 2002
'Starter marriages' called an American
trend with a high social price
___By Jodi Mathews
___EthicsDaily.com
___NASHVILLE, Tenn.--"Just Married, Just Split Up," and "Young, Hot and Divorced" headlined two recent articles in popular magazines.
___Generation X is working hard to escape the stigma of divorce, and the new phrase "starter marriages" may lend it the leverage it needs.
___Pamela Paul, an editor of American Demographics magazine and author of "The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony," defined starter marriages as "first-time marriages that last five years or less and do not yield children."
___Paul asserted this type of marriage is a growing trend among Gen-Xers, citing U.S. Census Bureau statistics showing that in 1998 there were more than 3 million divorced 18- to 29-year-olds. In 1962, there were 253,000 divorced 25- to 29-year-olds.
___Paul said most young couples who divorce early rushed into marriage for one of two reasons--"either they have finished school and are living with their parents and want someone else to cling to, or they are very successful power couples who feel that they need a great marriage to complement their fabulous career and looks."
___The problem is that no matter the reasoning, divorce is always painful, according to Chris Canipe, premarital counselor and director of divorce recovery at First Baptist Church in Greensboro, N.C.
___Canipe, who also is a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, said starter marriages are "attempts to resolve perceived individual shortcomings."
___In premarital counseling sessions, Canipe asks hard questions.
___"When I perceive that the couple may be heading for the 'starter marriage,' I put as much heat on them as possible so they will be forced to face difficult issues in a safe setting with a supportive referee, me," he said. "I count as successes those individuals who decide not to get married based on premarital counseling."
___Paul wrote in her book that many happy young couples "are focused on the wedding day, and they don't give much thought to what is going to happen in the next 50 years."
___This hyper-focus on the present, or the wedding day, becomes a problem after the ceremony.
___"Marriage is the ultimate relational commitment, and engaged couples would do well to spend more time with their premarital counselor than with their florist," said Mary Stairs Vaughn, assistant professor of communication studies at Belmont University.
___Vaughn said she fears reframing early divorce as a "starter marriage" may lead to socially sanctioning it.
___"I wonder if the concept of 'starter marriages' feeds our cultural desensitization to the seriousness of breaking that contract and vow," she said.
___"Divorce is deeply painful, and I would hate to see it become a 'status symbol' for young twenty-somethings."
___Many starter marriages involve the first children of the divorced generation, Paul said. Although their parents divorced, this group believes they will not. But they see divorce as a viable option.
___Accepting divorce as an option may be the first step on the road to an unhappy marriage and an early divorce, according to Maggie Gallagher, affiliate scholar at the Institute for American Values and co-author of "The Case for Marriage: Why
___Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially."
___"The more people see marriage as temporary or impermanent, the less happy they will be in their own marriages," Gallagher said.
___Merely adopting more liberal ideas about divorce might make some people more susceptible to it, she said. When divorce is perceived as a viable option, the marriage becomes more like a co-habitation.
___"Parents focus heavily on their children becoming good students and various things when they are young. What parents need to focus on from an early age is reinforcing the importance of getting married, staying married and producing a healthy family," Gallagher said
___Another way young people can get off on the right foot is through mentoring programs with older, more seasoned couples.
___"Churches need to take seriously the job of preparing young people for marriage and intervening when marriages become troubled," Gallagher said. "This 'marriage mentoring' is useful in building marriages, churches and communities."
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