Open adoption keeps lines of communication open
___By Scott Collins
___Buckner News Service
___Evette Evans knows the plot well. It's one she used to replay in her mind on numerous occasions.
___A young birthmother wanders the streets searching for her child who was adopted. Just before a commercial break, she finds the baby, sneaks in through a bedroom window late at night and steals the infant, never to be heard from again.
___"You see all those made-for-TV movies where they come back and steal the baby at the last minute," Evans said. "It's kind of nice because we can say, 'Oh no, we don't have
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BIRTHMOTHER Sommer (left) shares a moment with Amanda and her parents, Michael and Evette Evans.
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an illusive birthmother. We know her. She is just a phone call away, or a letter away or an e-mail away.'"
___What Evans and her husband, Michael, also know is that their daughter, Amanda, will grow up with the truth, thanks to the open adoption process of Buckner Adoption and Maternity Services. Through this process, the Evanses know and have communicated with Amanda's birthmother, Sommer, and Sommer's family.
___"We like the fact that when Amanda grows older, she will not have the dream parents where mom lives in a fairy princess castle and dad is a white knight on a steed and they rescue her and take her away from these mean old parents," Evans said. "We know that if she ever comes to that conclusion, we can call Sommer and say: 'Set her straight. Talk to this child.'"
___And while the Evanses enjoy the relationship with Sommer and her family, it initially took a lot of coaxing from Buckner caseworker Adrienne Sittig for Sommer to accept the idea of an open adoption.
___Sommer grew up knowing a lot about adoption. She is one of three children adopted into her family.
___"I knew about adoption from a very young age," she said. "I thought it was neat. My adoption turned out really well, so when I got into this situation, I realized I couldn't parent and I was very open to adoption because I saw the benefits of it."
___Although she knew the adoption process had changed since her own, Sommer had no idea how much. "When Adrienne told me about open adoption, I was like, 'This is crazy.'
___"I had never heard about open adoption," Sommer said. "The whole thing really just scared me, because I felt like you want me to give birth, then you want me to see the child and I'm supposed to be OK with all of this. I remember the first session we had. I basically said: 'I don't want to see the child. I don't want to listen to a heartbeat. I don't want anything. I want it as closed as possible.'"
___But when Sommer finally met the Evanses, her attitude began to change.
___"I realized I could actually get along with these people," she said. "I think it was just the comfortableness that I found in them. It was more like a family member kind of thing. It was OK."
___And because of her own parents, Sommer knew about adoption from the adoptive couple's perspective.
___"I could also see the parents' side," she said. "I have heard what it's like to not have a child. I felt like I could be more sensitive. I kind of knew what they needed to become a family. I think I got the whole view."
___Having seen adoption from every angle, Sommer believes the most important consideration in the process should be what is best for the child.
___"My whole view is that you want the best for your child. That's the whole reason. Do the right thing. Don't think about yourself. Think about the child. For adoptive parents, it's not about blood; it's about what's best for the child.
___"Being there all the time, that's a parent," Sommer said. "To me, giving birth doesn't make me a parent. It takes more than that. It takes knowing what your child needs; it's being there for every little wound. It's knowing what her dreams are."
___In the Evanses, Sommer believes she found parents who share her dreams for Amanda. She also found "another whole family I got to add to my life. I've got more people to love."
___Everyone agrees the bond between birth family and adoptive family is Amanda, who brought them together in the first place. But Sommer said the families are also bound together by a love for Jesus Christ.
___That's not to say the adoption process doesn't require a lot of work and prayer.
___"It was hard not to have a little bit of jealousy and resentment when Sommer was holding the baby," Evette admitted. "And I'm sure Sommer felt the same way, like, 'What are you doing sitting there holding my baby like that, lady?' It's not been a piece of cake. We've actually both of us had to work through a little bit of jealousy toward the other person."
___Looking back, Sommer said the decision to place Amanda with the Evanses still is the best choice she could have made.
___She remembers seeing Evans holding Amanda in the hospital for the first time moments after Amanda was born.
___"I saw a part of me in Evette when she held Amanda," Sommer said.?
___That is why open adoptions work, said Buckner caseworker Sittig.
___"I am frequently asked how open adoption works," she said. "More importantly, I believe the question is, 'Why does open adoption work?' The consistent unifying theme is the child. Each part of the triad focuses on what's best for the child.
___"As the Evanses have embraced Sommer and her significant role in Amanda's life, Amanda has the benefit of embracing both her adoptive and biological heritage. From an early age, Amanda will experience and benefit from the love of many people drawn together by her presence."
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