March 25, 2002
Healthy marriages cope with change as partners mature
___By Charles Qualls
___FaithWorks Magazine
___FREDERICKSBURG, Va. (ABP)--"I know that neither one of us has anything left to give," a desperate Wendy Erwin told her husband over the phone. "But I love you, and we're going to make it."
___With those words, she grabbed the lone thread that would hold her marriage together over the next few months.
___Wendy and Scott Erwin's 11-year-old marriage had come to the brink. After a whirlwind romance and two storybook years of married life, a series of personal crises gradually dragged their relationship into despair.
___First came a change in career direction, the first hint things weren't going according to plan. Then came two ectopic pregnancies that resulted in miscarriages.
___Then twin daughters were born, but both developed severe health problems. While Grace would overcome most of them, Katie was left with serious, multiple handicaps.
___The resulting emotional, spiritual and financial stress pulled their marriage apart. Communication became almost non-existent. They stopped nurturing each other. "We were sleep-deprived, depressed and emotionally exhausted," Erwin explained.
___His wife added: "It wasn't unusual for us to say: 'I love you, but I have nothing for you. I'm not angry at you, but I just can't offer you more than commitment. My resources are gone.' We lived that way for two-and-a-half years. We were dying inside, losing one another as partners, and staying together only because neither of us could do this alone."
___Counselors agree that, more often than not, a marriage relationship doesn't flame out in a burst of betrayal or anger as much as it simply grows weaker over time. Opportunities to do maintenance are missed. Warning signs are ignored. Eventually, the marriage is enveloped by the slow, encroaching darkness of alienation.
___Many people already have given up on the ideal of lifelong marriage, as evidenced by increases in both cohabitation and divorce. About half as many divorces occur in the United States every year as do marriages.
___So how does anyone make it to midlife with marriage intact?
___"The turning point as I see it was that we realized we had to find a way to stay together," Erwin recalled.
___Disappointed with life and frustrated with God, the young couple clung only to their commitment to stay together. Finally, their breakthrough came in late 2001 with a change of jobs and location. "We moved to Virginia and not only reduced the financial pressures, but got a new start," he said. "Slowly, we started to talk with each other. We would turn the TV off and figure out who we were.
___"Only after we got to some level of healthy interaction could we really stir God back into the mix," he continued. "For awhile, God was a hiding place or a pawn we used in arguing. We began to pray together, and we discovered that it's pretty tough to stay frustrated with a person you're sharing prayer time with. Then, we noticed that we were beginning to think of each other first in some things. I saw Wendy needed me to be at home and to help out.
___"Eventually, we began to date again. We've fallen in love again. And that's weird because we're totally not the same people who met on the beach all those years ago. It's a true starting over, figuring out who we are and where God fits into that equation. I wouldn't say we're where we want to be in communication, role negotiation and other important skills. We still have moments of intense grief, as you will when you have a special-needs child. But we aren't in crisis now by a long shot."
___Few marriages that last remain unchanged. On the contrary, counselors say being able and willing to change is a key to marriage survival.
___If a couple is willing to work on building and maintaining a solid relationship, they can arrive at midlife--and survive it--with a strong, healthy marriage. But the journey starts even before the wedding, and it involves daily attention.
___To simply conduct a wedding and then send the newlyweds out to fend for themselves is a dangerous way to start a marriage, said Robert Herron, director of the Presbyterian Counseling Center in Greensboro, N.C.
___Herron spearheaded a 1996 dialogue among clergy in the community about the problem of failed marriages. It resulted in a covenant committing the ministers--and all couples they married--to a waiting period before the wedding, counseling sessions, an in-depth analysis of each relationship, enrichment opportunities for the couples and a support network to mentor the newly married. By 1998, more than 70 churches had signed on.
___Herron said efforts like the one in Greensboro help couples anticipate the issues they'll face and develop sound practices to maintain the marriage partnership.
___Bo Prosser, an associate pastor in Charlotte, N.C., has been involved in marriage counseling and marriage enrichment for years.
___"When I prepare a young couple for marriage, I stress to them that they're not just two people anymore. We're three now. I can't be with them everywhere they go, but they can call me anywhere I am, anytime of the day or night, if they get in trouble. They have to know that there are others who will support them and have gone where they're going."
___Communication and commitment are the two stackpoles around which everything else in a marriage falls into place, Prosser said, noting that communication involves both skill and constant care and must be practiced every day.
___"They have to understand the person they married at 25 isn't the same anymore at 45," said Wade Rowatt, director of the St. Matthews Counseling Center in Louisville, Ky. Adjusting to those changes is some of the hardest work in marriage, Rowatt said.
___"We change as individuals, but somehow we expect our marriage relationship to continue to operate on the same practices and rules," Rowatt said. Those personal changes are easily overlooked when assessing a marriage relationship.
___Wendy Erwin sees now that she and her husband had different expectations of marriage, shaped by their different family backgrounds. "As we grew, we grew into our own patterns. ... We worked constantly to please one another but never stopped long enough to step back and realize that we had different lenses on."
___As with the Erwins, a deep commitment to preserve the marriage--above all else--is the essential ingredient in overcoming a lifetime of changes and challenges, Rowatt said.
___"Commitment has to be both intellectual and emotional in nature or it won't be balanced enough to see us through," he added. On the days when the romantic side of the marriage doesn't seem real, the fact that you once loved a person enough to marry him or her may be the only beacon to follow out of the darkness."
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