March 25, 2002
How can I find 'me' without giving up 'us'?
___By Charles Qualls
___FaithWorks Magazine
___DALLAS (ABP)--Midlife particularly can test a marriage relationship, counselors say. Grief over the death of a parent or even a child, dreams not realized and opportunities missed can cause one or both partners to question their purpose in life.
___In a society that puts increasing value on the worth and fulfillment of the individual,a dangerous dilemma can emerge: How do I find "me" without giving up "us"?
GAIL and Steve Brookshire of Dallas strive to keep balance in their marriage at midlife, balance they believe is possible because of a shared commitment to Jesus Christ.
___Gail and Steve Brookshire of Dallas work hard to find the balance.
___"Steve helps me to be an individual while we're being a couple," Mrs. Brookshire said of her husband of 19 years. "He's made it a priority for me to be able to advance professionally and personally ... . He helps me to have time by myself to go on retreat or pray. He helps me to have the time away to rejuvenate. Most spouses might not even feel they could be away."
___Yet, she added, their marriage also has been strengthened by what they do together--especially learning and laughing.
___"We love to learn together--art galleries, poetry, stuff that's totally different from what our backgrounds are," said Mrs. Brookshire, a genetics counselor at Children's Medical Center in Dallas. "We haven't ever gotten to the place where we're at a dead-end. It keeps it fun."
___"We laugh together," she continued. "We reflect on where we've come from--our families. Nothing's so sacred that we can't laugh about it."
___But the Brookshires have an advantage over some couples. "We have a common Christian faith that we share that matters a lot between us," she said. "It's not true always as a bond for relationships to share. It has reoriented everything, including how we spend our money and our time."
___The Brookshires, members of Wilshire Baptist Church in Dallas, are committed to working on "the rough spots" in their personalities, which requires a lot of trust, she said. "We have an environment where it feels safe with each other."
___"Folks go in and out of relationships like changing socks, and they don't want to do the work that it takes. ... You have to be ready to do the work."
___Predicting when marital conflict might hit is difficult. But counselors agree there are points along the way that stress relationships in particular. Some of them come surprisingly early, while others arrive later.
___For couples with adult children, a period that hits about two or three years after the nest empties can be tricky. Suddenly, the couple is alone with each other. If they haven't been staying in touch along the way, it is treacherous to suddenly have to become reacquainted. A person who only resembles the original marriage partner is now the only roommate.
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