Hotspots when marriages are most vulnerable:
___ The first three years of marriage. Divorces are a little more likely during this period, when issues of incompatibility, disillusionment and conflict often surface.
___ Year seven, for no known rational reason.
___ The first two years of the "empty nest."
___ The first few years after the death of a parent.
Common warning signs of marital trouble:
___ Frequent disinterest in what your spouse is doing or saying.
___ Unexplained, sudden anger at your spouse.
___ Sudden, prolonged attraction to a co-worker, friend or acquaintance.
___ Disinterest in sex.
___ Over-involvement with children at the expense of the marriage.
___ Depression.
___ Not wanting to be touched by your spouse.
Vital signs for healthy marriages:
___ Talk and listen to each other daily. Listen actively, beyond the level of thought. Share feelings, dreams and emotions. The three years past empty nest are key. Develop this skill now.
___ Spend "couple time" each day. That's 30 to 60 minutes with the TV and computer off. Talk, touch and be present.
___ Address problems in their infancy. They grow like a cancer when kept silent. Work especially on disappointments, unmet expectations and power imbalances.
___ Commitment must be both emotional and intellectual. When the honeymoon stage is over, this will be the staying power. Partners must stay in touch with the idea that "I wouldn't dare trade my spouse in for another model."
___ Flexibility is essential. Partners change as do vocations and circumstances. Like an oak, marriage partners must be able to bend without breaking.
___ Tend to the romance. Little things matter, like back rubs, a touch, a smile, gifts, regular dates, doing favors without being asked.
___ Cultivate openness. It lets you face problems early and head-on. Openness comes from a solid faith, so constant renewal that is individual, yet shared, is important. This will impact parenting, grief, work decisions, lifestyle and economics.
___Based on information provided by Wade Rowatt, director of the St. Matthews Pastoral Counseling Center in Louisville, Ky., and a member of St. Matthews Baptist Church in Louisville. These articles originally appeared in the magazine FaithWorks, published by Associated Baptist Press.
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