May 6, 2002

ANOTHER VIEW:
Parenting college-age children is frightening;
requires courage to loosen grip, let them go
___We were only 21 years old when our first daughter was born. My husband and I had been married for less than two years, and we were serving with the Southern Baptist Home Mission Board as US-2 missionaries in Albuquerque, N.M.
___The only thing more frightening than giving birth thousands of miles away from most of our family and friends was finding out six weeks later that we were expecting again. Our daughters were born only 10 months apart.
___Parenting is a challenge, no matter the circumstances.
___Suddenly we find ourselves responsible for life. Helplessly, our children look to us to learn everything. Through our words and actions, they lea

Debbie Chisolm

rn how to talk and walk, fall down and get up again, what's safe and what hurts.
___Regardless the stage, we find ourselves wistfully longing for the next. I can remember thinking, "If I can just get them out of diapers ... once they're in school ... if we could just survive puberty ... when they get their license ... just hold on until they go to college, then ..."
___With every new stage come new challenges, and the only way to successfully navigate the current juncture is to create an ever-changing strategy for parenting.
___When our children are young, we can set boundaries and consequences and even decide when the boundaries should be flexible and the consequences bypassed. When they are high school students, we can determine which decisions can be left to them and which must be dictated. But when they reach the college years, a major paradigm shift is in order. It's one of the most difficult adjustments for most parents to make.
___Even though our children are not "living under our roof," as long as we're paying for tuition, room and board, we still have the privilege of setting ground rules and expectations. Usually these expectations will include grades and financial responsibility.
___Maintaining certain well-defined requirements actually helps students make the transition from adolescence to adulthood. Relinquishing them completely could be as dangerous as giving them your credit card and dropping them off at the mall.
___Because I've been a youth minister for 25 years, I've had the advantage of learning from other parents' mistakes and from their successes. Here are some of the things I've learned about parenting college-age students:
___ Don't pay the whole bill. When they work to pay for part of their car or phone or whatever, it helps them gradually become self-sufficient.
___ Don't expect their best grades during the first semester. It takes a semester or two to get used to college.
___ Let them make as many decisions as possible on their own. Give advice when asked, but let them make mistakes and learn along the way.
___ When they return for summer or holiday breaks, it's OK to have house rules. Their lifestyle affects those who live with them. Even at home, they need to be sensitive to their roommates.
___Parenting college-age students is frightening, because the decisions they are making can affect the rest of their lives.
___From the vantage point of parents, we want to protect them from making costly mistakes. But more than ever before, it's time to let go. Don't let go all at once, but loosen your grip noticeably with each passing semester, so when the time comes, they can learn to let go too.
___Grandparenting has to be easier than this!
___Debbie Chisolm is a veteran youth minister and author from Duncanville

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