August 12, 2002
ANOTHER VIEW:
Marital wisdom from the real world
___The Apostle Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:21 that we should submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. All of us, husbands and wives, should submit to each other for Jesus' sake. Paul said a submissive attitude was a sign of being filled with the Spirit.
___So, we should submit to one another, but how do we really do that? What are the practical methods of submissiveness? In a marriage, we do it by intentionally showing our love in practical and personal ways.
___I recently conducted a survey among my Sunday School class and other friends, asking them to tell me five things their spouse does to make them feel loved, and five things they wished their spouse would do to make them feel loved.
___I wanted hon
Marriage should be perpetual courtship, always trying to ... convince your partner she or he made a good choice. est answers, so I promised anonymity. I told them I would compile all the answers into one long list, sort it randomly, and we'd discuss the list together as a class. I received replies by e-mail, analog mail and a few anonymous notes stuffed into my Bible.
Berry D. Simpson
___I was stunned at the honesty of the responses. Some still are difficult for me to read without crying. One wrote, "I feel exposed by answering your questions about marriage." She had a right to feel that way--her own answers were beautiful, and honest, and risky. Telling me what she wished her husband would do took a lot of trust.
___I once told my class I thought marriage should be perpetual courtship, always trying to please, to win favor, always trying to convince your partner she or he made a good choice.
___One person objected, saying, "But that's why I got married, so I wouldn't be nervous all the time." What I meant was that we should always try to please our spouse, not to earn their love, but because of their love--in the same way that we do good works, not out of fear of losing God, but out of gratitude for God's unconditional love.
___Years ago, I overheard a co-worker ask another man, "Why would you bother to get braces on your teeth ... you are already married?" His theory was that he stopped trying to be attractive once he found a wife. He was a prime example of his method, having gone to seed years before. I doubt we want to be like him. We shouldn't stop trying to please.
___In contrast, one wife wrote this, "I wish he would accept my extra pounds as part of me and tell me I am still beautiful in his eyes." She was exhausted from trying to please her husband and needed unconditional love and acceptance.
___When trying to love our spouse, it is easy to fall into gender clichés about what men want and what women want. However, it wasn't always obvious from the answers to my survey whether a writer was a man or woman. For example, it was a man who wished his wife would buy him gifts and that she would come home from work on time.
___Also, not all answers made sense for every couple. Some longed for more affection, more hand-holding, more hugging, while others wanted more space and freedom. What may be loving attention to one can turn to suffocation for another. We are all different, but we all need to show and receive love.
___One wrote that their spouse shows love by "helping me see bad personal habits." Cyndi, my own loving wife, told me that if I started pointing out her bad personal habits, it would go badly for me. Another wrote he felt loved because his wife ironed his blue jeans. I told Cyndi: "Not me; I don't want my blue jeans ironed. I also don't want my socks rolled up into little sock-balls. I don't want that much attention."
___Many mentioned the sacrificial actions husbands and wives do for each other to show love--like going to the movies every week, or renting a movie instead of another night of ESPN, or being intimate when we don't feel like it, or visiting your mother-in-law in the nursing home.
___Others mentioned the habits their spouse taught them--like always kissing goodbye, or bragging about your spouse to your friends instead of cracking jokes, or listening attentively without interrupting. Those aren't natural behaviors for most of us, but choices we can make to say I love you. Intentionally forming loving habits is a commitment to the marriage. Cyndi, a teacher, calls them strategies for unity.
___How have I personally changed because of this exercise? Well, I've tried to talk to Cyndi more often about family finances. She needs to know that I want her opinions and need her input and trust her and depend on her. I was keeping all of that to myself.
___Also, I've tried not staying up so late every night. Cyndi longed for me to come to bed sooner more often, which wasn't a surprise, but I didn't know it was about showing love. Now I know, and I'm working on it. Just this week, I went to bed twice before 11 p.m.
___Berry Simpson, a Sunday School teacher at First Baptist Church in Midland, is a petroleum engineer, writer, runner and member of the city council in Midland. He writes a column once a month for the Standard's online edition.
___ Correction
___ The "Another View" column in the Aug. 5 Standard contained an incorrect website for information about the original Greek words in Ephesians 5. The correct address is www.invisiblebible.com.
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