September 2, 2002
CYBERCOLUMN:
The great church beauty contest
___By Brett Younger
___I was pastor of a church in Manhattan, Kan., where there's a small Christian college. One August, the administration invited pastors to meet the incoming students and give a 90-second commercial for their churches. The freshmen were divided into six groups, so each of the nine ministers who showed up gave his spiel six times.
Brett Younger
___The first time through, we all said about the same thing. We told our names, what church we represented, worship times and directions. I tried to be funny, offering 10 reasons college students should go to church, including: churches don't charge admission; you don't have to take your roommate; it's fun to wear long pants every once in awhile; on parents weekend you will want to take your parents to a church where people will act like they know you.
___The second time through the parade of pastors, I noticed that the commercials were becoming competitive. At first it was just location: "My church is the closest." Then "My church is far away, but it's a scenic drive."
___The third time through, the competition shifted to food. I innocently started it when I said; "We'll be serving breakfast on Sunday." The minister after me said, "We'll have lunch"—as if to say their lunch would be better than our breakfast. Then a third minister topped us both, "We'll have dinner"—as if dinner is the most important meal of the day.
___A desperate minister tried for the athletic vote. "We play softball." A second countered, "We play volleyball." A third retaliated, "We water ski." I would not have been surprised to hear, "We have a bungee jump Bible study."
___Then the music portion of the tournament began. One promised: "We don't sing hymns. We'll never have any music you can't tap your toe to." "We have a bass guitar." "We have drums, so there." "We have mariachis, tambourines and a sousaphone, nyah, nyah, nyah."
___About the fifth time through, the co-pastor at First Baptist said: "All of our churches have most things in common. One difference at our church is that my wife preaches half of the time." Then he shouted, "So if you're interested in women, come to First Baptist." A few young men woke up on that last line.
___At one point, the pastors united against the ministers who weren't there. The Church of Christ pastor gave directions to his church saying, "You'll have to go past Grace Baptist, but you don't want to stop there anyway." Then he apologized: "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." One of the other ministers shouted: "That's OK. They're not here. Take another shot." I've matured since then and don't do stuff like that any more.
___On my last turn, I came close to saying: "At our church we serve free food all of the time. You'll meet scads of good-looking 18-year-olds. When the offering plate is passed, we encourage college students to take money out."
___Being a contestant in a ministerial beauty contest was degrading, but it isn't that different from what churches do all the time. We are forever saying: "Please like us. Please join our congregation." Churches are always in danger of living for the approval of others. We are tempted to forget why we're here.
___The last time through the church commercials, one pastor said, "We don't have the fanciest programs in town, but if you want a place to serve, work hard and grow in faith, then we might be the church for you." I wonder why the rest of us didn't think of that.
___Brett Younger is pastor of Broadway Baptist Church in Fort Worth.
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