January 20, 2003

Sandwich Generation filled with joy at times
___By Rebecca Vorwerk
___Associated Baptist Press
___CHICAGO (ABP)--Some members of the so-called "Sandwich Generation" are finding their situation more appetizing than they expected.
___An estimated 9 million Americans are wedged between the demands of caring for aging parents and helping their own children grow up. But rather than becoming bitter or burdened, many say their

DEBBIE FRIEL (center right) with daughters Katie (left) and Amanda (right) and mother Thelma Collins struggles to find time for herself as she cares for her aging mother and continues to nurture her daughters. (ABP Photo)

dual responsibilities are rewarding.
___JoAnn Simich of Chicago says bringing her mother into her home not only has been a surprising source of joy but has made the three-generation family closer. "Our home has become a nexus for all the members of the family," she said. "The Lord is drawing us into a household again."
___The term "Sandwich Generation" has been bandied about in the social sciences and the media for more than a decade. According to one study from the National Alliance for Caregiving, most of the estimated 9 million Americans in this category are baby boomers, but they can range in age from the 30s to the 60s.
___Although caring simultaneously for children and parents is not unique to this generation, it is more common for two reasons--couples are waiting longer to have children, and senior adults are living longer.
___While in the past children typically went through puberty when their parents were in their late 30s or early 40s, now parents are much more likely to be in their late 40s or early 50s when their kids are teenagers. Consequently, kids experience changes and need extra support at the same time their parents are experiencing the changes and losses of midlife. Meanwhile, the parents' parents, who typically are living longer than previous generations, are more likely to require involved and prolonged care from their grown children.
___These factors combine to create the first generation of Americans who could face life's most difficult stages all at the same time. Place them in an individualistic society that worships youth and devalues care-giving, and it can be a lonely experience.
___A 2001 study by the American Association of Retired Persons found out several related things about adults age 45 to 55:
___ 44 percent have living parents and at least one child under 21.
___ 28 percent suffered a death in the family in the last year.
___ 24 percent suffered a major illness in the family in the last year.
___ 16 percent endured a major illness themselves.
___ 24 percent had a child leave home.
___The result, says author Kathleen Fischer in "Autumn Gospel," can be overwhelming. "Often when we feel we cannot bear another ending, it is pressed upon our lives anyway--a parent's sickness, the death of a friend, a diagnosis of illness. We may be dealing not simply with one major transition, but with many small or larger ones."
___Nationwide only 18 percent of 45- to 55-year-olds in the AARP study said they feel stressed because they are "sandwiched between the needs of my immediate family and older relatives."
___While sandwiched adults endure demands on time and emotions, they often learn about the joys of self-sacrifice.
___Debbie Friel, 47, is married and works as a head nurse in Raleigh, N.C. She has two daughters living at home, one who started high school and the other who started community college this fall. Her 88-year-old mother recently moved from Ohio to live near her in an assisted-living facility.
___"This spring, my oldest child left high school and I was transitioning with mother. And I struggled with sadness," she explained. "The younger part of my life is closing down. It's a transition from being young and youthful to becoming the older generation in my family."
___For Friel, the biggest challenges come in finding enough time and energy "to give enough of myself to the needs of my children, my mother, my husband and myself--keep myself in balance--and, of course, attend to my job."
___Don Karrer, 62, of Grosse Point, Mich., knows what Friel is going through. He spent many years caring for two sets of elderly parents, as well as for his wife and teenage daughter.
___"If you're the sole person responsible for two sides of the family, plus children, you can find yourself going in so many different directions, you can't hardly stop to take a breath," he said.
___According to the AARP study, 84 percent of sandwiched adults call and visit their elders. About 45 percent do housework, maintenance or shopping errands for their parents. Other common tasks include handling paperwork or bills, dealing with legal issues, contributing financially or making financial decisions, arranging for aides and nurses, and helping with personal care like dressing, bathing and eating.
___Typically, even if there are multiple siblings, the primary responsibility for providing for the physical and social needs of parents falls on the shoulders of one child, who is usually female.
___"Most care-giving duties fall to the daughters in the family," writes Jean Chatzky in Money Magazine. "According to the National Alliance of Caregiving, 73 percent of family care-givers are women. And not because they have more time. Three in five female caretakers from 35 to 49 hold down full-time or part-time jobs, and about half have to change their work schedules."
___The strain of juggling jobs and caring for kids and parents can cause marriage rifts and health problems if caregivers don't have enough support and help from others.
___"I know I have to give some time to myself because I won't survive if I don't, and I have to find time to give to my marriage because it won't survive either if I don't," Friel explained.
___When asked how this level of care-giving has affected their own lives, respondents in the AARP study said caring for older relatives has affected their own plans for vacation (29 percent), retirement savings (26 percent), education (12 percent) and career (8 percent).
___Karrer, for example, said he and his wife have had to sacrifice on many levels to care for their parents, including vacation plans, educational goals and personal finances.
___Caregiving has brought lifestyle changes for Friel as well. "We can't be as spontaneous with friends as we used to be. I gave up going to a weekly ladies group in order to find time to spend with Mom. Amanda is at the age that she needs her mother, so I try to make time for her. I'm so dead tired from taking mother to doctors and lawyers and other errands that we don't have the time or energy to socialize."
___In perhaps the most surprising aspect of the AARP study, though, respondents said that in spite of--or perhaps as a byproduct of--these losses and sacrifices, they still felt very satisfied with their lives and their relationships with their families. The findings suggest that, although loss is a dominant theme of midlife, many people find it a time of renewal for themselves and their relationships with family.
___"Many people at midlife experience a new sense of the balance of opposites in their lives," writes Lynne Baab in "A Renewed Spirituality: Finding Fresh Paths at Midlife."
___"Work and rest, time alone and time with people, a growing sense of freedom coupled with a greater sense of discipline ... . Just when we feel the most settled and even a little bored in our family life, a totally new path of service lights up our lives," she explains.
___Simich, 53, the Chicago wife and mother who recently brought her own mother into her home, says her new role is a privilege.
___"The world would tell me that having my mother living with me should be a pressure because I'm giving up my freedom. But what's happened is something very joyous. Because she always provided for me, it's my joy now to be able to do that for her."
___"Whether or not one must care for an older parent seems unrelated to probability of family life enjoyment," concludes the AARP report. Only 4 percent of the study's 45- to 55-year-olds said that they consider their family a burden. And 93 percent said they feel "my family gives me strength."
___Eighty-eight percent said they are satisfied with the way their lives are going. They feel optimistic about the future; 78 percent look ahead with confidence to better times personally and for their families.
___"During the midlife years, we not only have to learn to face losses, we also get to experience the surprise of finding new pleasures, new joys and new ways of connecting with God," Baab suggested.
___As people face the challenges of this stage of life, they also discover new coping strategies and sources of support they may not have needed to access earlier in life.
___Many, according to the AARP study, rely on the community of friends and other family members, as well as social and government agencies and medical professionals. But the greatest support, respondents said, comes from spiritual sources.
___"Among older boomers, faith and prayer are by far the most commonly cited sources of support for care-giving efforts," the AARP notes. "Fully 62 percent draw on spiritual aid. In addition, 42 percent say their church, synagogue, temple or other religious organization has been helpful to them."
___Simich has found her greatest support from "relying on the Lord," she said. "Religion doesn't do the trick--expectations, people telling me what the Bible says, etc. It has everything to do with talking with Jesus.
___"There's literally joy in having a servant's heart. It's the simple joy of seeing another person's need met and knowing that that's God's heart for them. It's the Lord God living his life out through me."
___

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