February 17, 2003

Family communication thrives on intimacy
___By Mark Wingfield
___Managing Editor
___AUSTIN--Effective family communication requires intimacy, according to a pair of marriage enrichment counselors.
___"You cannot not communicate," said Barbara Punch. But it is possible to communicate poorly or incompletely, added the certified marriage enrichment leader from Dallas.
___She and her husband, Andre, led a breakout session on family communication at the Texas Christian Life Commission annual seminar Feb. 10.
___Mrs. Punch cited the "terrible toos" as common problems in communication--being too busy or too tired.
___For men, another common problem is a fear of intimacy, her husband added.
___The fear of intimacy dates back to the Garden of Eden, said Punch, who is a church health and growth consultant for the Baptist General Convention of Texas. "We have been hiding ever since" Adam and Even discovered they were naked and ashamed. "We are afraid to let people know who we are."
___Intimacy may be understood, he added, by the phrase "into me you see."
___Males are taught to be independent and to avoid showing others their emotions, Punch said. As a result, "we do a lot of talking but very little sharing of feelings."
___Creating never-ending "to-do" lists is a common means of avoiding intimate communication, the Punches said. This reasoning says, "I don't want to talk about what I'm going through, so I'll think of some things to do to keep busy."
___To facilitate better family communication, the Punches advocated developing "the gift of laying on of ears."
___"Create an atmosphere of listening," she advised.
___Other tips included looking at the person who is talking to you, waiting until the other person is through speaking before responding, responding to criticism rather than reacting to it and listening for the heart of what another person is saying rather than just the words.
___The ultimate solution, however, requires a journey into intimacy, the Punches said. "We must communicate with each other so that we might know and be known."
___Intimacy within a family begins with a person's intimate relationship with God, they advised, asking, "Are we intimate enough with God to tell it like it is?"

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