March 24, 2003

DOWN HOME:
A home project success formula
___Somebody needs to come up with an equation for determining the success of a household maintenance chore.
___I'm not sure about the exact sequence of the variables, or if they should be added, subtracted, multiplied or divided. But I know what numbers should be plugged into the equation:
___ The time, rounded to the nearest hour, required to complete the job. Don't forget time spent traveling to and from the hardware store, rummaging in the garage looking for tools and lying on the couch watching ESPN hoping to forget the whole

MARV KNOX Editor

thing ever happened.
___ The cost of the products involved. Remember to add the cost of any new tools necessary to complete the job, as well as bandages, anti-bacterial ointment and pain-reliever.
___ The total number of cuts, scrapes, bumps, mashed appendages and stitches incurred.
___ The actual number of trips to the hardware store. This figure should be weighted, so that the lower the number, the higher the home-maintenance project success quotient. For example, no matter what you do or how much it costs or if it works when you're finished, if you only have to go to the hardware store once, this project is a success.
___ The number of times you were tempted to say something you wouldn't want your mama, children or church secretary to hear. This figure should be weighted positively in proportion to the number of times you actually said these things. For example, if you were tempted 3,342 times and instead started singing "Victory in Jesus" every time, the project is a success. Unless, of course, you had to go to the hardware store more than once.
___I had plenty of time to think about this equation the other day, as I drove back and forth to the hardware store. I thought about it while humming "Victory in Jesus."
___My wife, Joanna, operates a bookkeeping business out of our home, and her clients sometimes leave papers for her on our porch. One client, let's call him The One With the Wicked Sense of Humor, bought her a locking mailbox and asked me to hang it on the wall beside our front door. In brick. Without using super glue or a nail gun.
___If memory serves me correctly (and some things you try to forget), I only went to the hardware store three times. But that brass mailbox is bolted into lead anchors, and it doesn't even wobble when you slam the door.
___Of course, household maintenance chores are a snap compared to actually living life. Day after day, I keep making mistakes, forgetting stuff, messing up. And day after day, I have to keep going back to the source--the Lord who loves me through it all. Back to worship, back to the Bible, back to prayer, back to Christian fellowship. I never have to carry a receipt, and the Lord is always more patient than the guy in the apron at the hardware store.

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