March 31, 2003
Real-time war news fuels kids' questions
___By Ken Camp
___Texas Baptist Communications
___"Daddy, what is war?"
___David Bush's 4-year-old son asked the question after hearing an 8-year-old sibling use a word he didn't understand.
___Bush, minister to children at First Baptist Church in Coppell, simply said war means soldiers from one country are fighting soldiers from another country. And he made sure he didn't try to explain more than his son asked.
___"Some parents tend to over-educate," Bush said of the challenge parents
___As violent images from Iraq enter American living rooms through 24-hour television news coverage and war talk dominates adult conversation, some Christian parents are struggling to know how to answer questions and determine what is appropriate for their children.
___"We're seeing the war in real time, as it happens. That means no filter and no perspective about what is appropriate viewing for children--or adults, for that matter," said Julie Joiner, minister of childhood education at Columbus Avenue Baptist Church in Waco.
___Parents must become that filter and provide that perspective by monitoring and interpreting news about the war for their children, several Texas Baptist educators and counselors agreed.
___"Limit exposure to media coverage, not because the media is bad, but because a child's ability to absorb reality is limited and must be carefully monitored," said Dan McGee, director of the Baptist General Convention of Texas' Counseling and Psychological Services Center.
___When it comes to the question of how much war news is too much, experts said the answer depends upon the age and maturity of the child. For preschoolers, they agreed, the answer is relatively simple: Turn off the TV.
___"Eliminate it entirely for the very young. You must become this child's media," McGee said, offering his counsel to parents.
___"Preschoolers live in the world we develop for them," Bush added. That means creating a home environment where the child feels safe and loved. In part, that involves protecting them from images they are not ready to see.
___Likewise, parents should realize some school-age children are not ready to see and hear some things. Children develop at different paces, and parents need to understand that,
___"A child's developmental stage, not necessarily his age, determines his view of the grownups' world," McGee said.
___Parents should seek to understand where the child is developmentally in order to understand how he views events around him. "Remember how tall the world appears to a little person," McGee observed.
___While school-age children inevitably will be exposed to some information about war, parents can limit the exposure in the home and provide a context for understanding issues, educators and counselors agreed.
___"We need to help them understand that what happens is the result of bad people who want to do bad things," Joiner said.
___She urged parents of young children to remember the advice of Fred Rogers, recently deceased host of the "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" children's TV program.
___"Point to the people who are helping others," she said, echoing Rogers' theme. "Remember the relief workers, and identify them as visible signs of God's care."
___Parents also can help provide perspective to children who may see a picture of smoke rising from a tall building in Baghdad and associate that with tall buildings they have seen in Texas cities.
___"Children don't know the difference between what is distant and what is far away," said Diane Lane, preschool and children's consultant with the BGCT Bible Study/Discipleship Center.
___Likewise, children live in the present, and they may think every rerun of an aerial assault on Baghdad is a new event. "They think it is happening again every time they see it on TV," she said.
___Older children need parents to help them understand the difference between violent images on TV news and violent images some may have seen in movies and video games, Joiner observed.
___"It's important for them to know that there are consequences. People are dying. People are suffering. It's not just a PlayStation kind of world we're living in. Violence is real," she said.
___Joiner recommended parents help older children "humanize" the conflict by reminding them individual lives are at stake.
___"Parents might have them pray for the school children of (other countries) who have to go to class with their gasmasks," she said. "They need to know it's not a matter of pushing a button like on a video game. These are real people being affected."
___Broadview Baptist Church in Abilene is seeking to help personalize the conflict by inviting a church member who serves at Dyess Air Force Base to speak to children at a Wednesday night meeting.
___"We want him to let the children know the men and women who are serving are trained well for what they are doing, just to set their minds at ease," said children's ministry Coordinator Lisa Dabney. She noted some of the children have parents in the military or are friends with children whose parents serve in the armed forces.
___"We want to encourage them, to help them understand as much as we can the reason behind it all, that the desire is to help people, not hurt them," Dabney said.
___Crescent Park Baptist Church in Odessa created a prayer wall at the church, filled with yellow ribbons and the names of specific individuals serving in the armed forces. "We encouraged our children to place their hands on names of particular people and pray for them," said Kim Wells, children's ministry director.
___Parents and Sunday School teachers should look at older children's questions about the war as teaching opportunities, Wells added.
___"We want to teach them there are things that happen in the world that are out of our control, but it's still in God's control. No matter how bad things seem, he knows every hurt and every need."
___After the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, McGee developed a series of suggestions for parents to help them respond to "terromatic stress" in children--the stress experienced by those who consider themselves under the continuous threat of terrorism. He sees war-related stress as an extension of this same condition and maintains the same principles apply.
___Communication is essential, McGee noted. "Encourage your child to talk about what she is feeling in her own language. Resist the temptation to 'correct' her perspective. The process is more important than the facts," he said.
___ Communication also means listening. McGee said adults should recognize that a child might not be ready to talk when it is convenient for the parent. "When the timing is truly impossible, schedule the talking time right then, and stick to it."
___Children need to hear words of reassurance. They also need their parents to communicate comfort and reassurance to them non-verbally through hugs and holds, McGee added. "A hug is important and can be accomplished in seconds, but it takes a long time to hold. Your valuable time and invaluable physical presence is a powerful stabilizer."
___To ease children's fears, counselors and children's ministers suggested that families maintain their regular routine, as much as possible.
___"Stability in the form of predictability is important in a world being threatened by unknown forces," McGee said.
___A child takes emotional cues from parents, he added. "If you fall apart or totally lose control, it may shake her foundation. ... If you refuse to talk about it or trivialize it, you are teaching avoidance. It's OK to let your child see your tears if she can also see your joy."
___Demonstrate faith, McGee urged. "Research shows that families of faith do better in crisis. Teach your child that prayer is not only for food and church, but a way of life."
___Children learn lessons about fear and faith by example and exposure, Joiner agreed.
___"Children are usually OK as long as the adults in their lives are OK," she said. "Children mirror the emotions and fears that we have. And they mirror the strength and faith and trust in the Lord that we have."
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