April 7, 2003
DOWN HOME:
Computers aren't divinely inspired
___When we all get to heaven and we're strumming harps and singing a divinely blended selection of hymns and praise choruses, I know what the poor folks down in you-know-where will be doing.
___Installing software on their computers.
___Even on this side of the "great divide," installing computer software feels like eternal torment.
___A lake of fire doesn't sound so bad when you've already drowned in tears of frustration, waiting for new operating software toload, only to learn your new computer won't re-boot until you simultaneously jump up and down on your left foot, poke your tongue out the right side of your mouth, pat your head, rub your tummy, face toward Silicon Valley and pledge to name your next-born child (no matter the gender) "Palo Alto, California." Then, when your computer finally reboots, you find out all the other software that worked just fine yesterday has to be upgraded now.
MARV KNOX
Editor
___And I don't know much about imps, but I'd guess they trained as computer tech-support specialists. The really devilish ones learned to insinuate that you're mortally stupid because you didn't already know you should "simultaneously hold down the shift, C, Q, L and T keys while pressing the reset button for exactly 3.2579 seconds" in order to get your computer to relinquish a programming disk.
___If you think computer software is a sore subject, you're right. If you think I'm taking computer software programming as a personal affront to decent humanity, you're doubly right.
___My friend Mark and I each lost two whole days of our lives last week, just because we reluctantly decided we needed to upgrade our operating systems. In his case, he thought it would be great if he could work all day without his computer shutting down. In my case, I thought it would be neat if I could actually print a Word document. We're so demanding.
___We lost those two days; we can't reclaim those 48 precious hours. I lost a bunch of e-mails, and he lost his address book. But, praises be, we didn't lose our religion. Between the two of us, we talked to practically every tech-support specialist in the forlorn city where our computers were made. And we never yelled at a one of them. Even the one who kept saying, "Cool!" every time I answered his questions.
___Oh, I know computers have improved many aspects of our lives. And computer chips provide the brains for much of the labor-saving technology we now take for granted.
___But I can't help but feel the servants have become our masters. I can't take a trip without checking e-mail, drive down the road without my cell phone or make a date without consulting my "personal digital assistant."
___When we all get to heaven, I hope we check our computers at the Pearly Gates.
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