Cybercolumn by Jinny Henson: Resolutions
Posted: 1/12/07
CYBER COLUMN:
Resolutions
By Jinny Henson
Reaping the punishment of my Christmas cookie metabolism experiment–you know the one, where you see if eating 40 cookies really does make your pants any tighter–I wrapped up the last ornament, stripped the front door of her garland and laid to rest the pillaged Greenburg turkey carcass in a terrier-proof zip lock bag. Christmas, indeed, was over for another year.
With the simple flip of the calendar from December to January, I find myself on the threshold again. Measurer by nature, I glance over my shoulder at who I was this past 12 months and contemplate what I could be in the next. With each New Year comes the patina of potential covering the lens of my perception, and it is with the bolstered vision, I resolve.
| Jinny Henson |
I breathe deeply and pledge to be patient rather than whipping out the ugly voice when my 8- and 10-year-old have a WWF smack-down over the front seat of my Volvo. I determine to be more attentive to God's interrupting agenda when I am already booked from 10 to 2. Swim season is only six months away, and I have yet to find a formal length swimsuit front. I will eat more tofu, do more yoga (or, at least wear the pants religiously) and invest in a better pair of tweezers for those sneaky, dark new friends erupting on my jaw line. Just for good measure, I resolve to finally get around to finishing the kids' scrapbooks–from preschool.
Besides the litany of flaws to correct, there are ambitions a tad higher on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which for the moment seem almost attainable. For starters, I determine action steps that will render me funnier than Erma Bombeck, holier than Beth Moore and with shinier hair than Victoria Osteen. Yes! I could finally (with the minor assistance of Photoshop, spray-on tan and Spanks) be selected for the Christian Babes of the South Calendar this year. Hey, it's my threshold; it could happen.
What is so captivating about the optimistic thought of being better than we have ever been? Like the would-be aviators of old, I truly believe I am one bicycle attached to a huge set of batwings away from victory. Perhaps it is self-delusion; like toddlers who promise wholeheartedly to never again brush the dog's teeth only to sneak off and fish the toothbrush out of the trash. A bifurcated nature which truly believes that we are vehicles built for greatness if we could only locate the car keys.
Is it humanly possible to keep a New Years' resolution? Weight-loss experts advise to make smaller goals you can achieve and then be sure to celebrate. Once you have reached those "goal-ettes," like adding one fruit or vegetable a day, suggests the American Dietetic Association, larger goals like eating the recommended eight to 10 daily servings will come more easily. At first, your family may think it strange when you scream, "Can I get a whoop-whoop?" while doing a victory dance and spiking the empty banana peel, but they will quickly learn to appreciate this baby step celebration when they are on the receiving end of such enthusiasm.
Another strategy to resolution success involves accountability. Audaciously tell others your plans, using pride as the fulcrum to forcibly thrust yourself from your habitual lethargy. My favorite examples are those who utilize the Christmas letter for such bold initiatives. Lines like, "This year, we're finally going to get to that storage shed and hope to unearth Mama's casserole dish collection" in the family manifesto are clearly a sprung sack of marbles. No turning back. No turning back. Once you put it out there, it's either strap on the flashlight helmet and dig into the depths of the shed or make up a really good excuse for those in Sunday school who actually read your Christmas letter.
A third route to resolution failure-avoidance is to simply fail to make any. That's the spirit. Enough of "the award goes to the guy in the ring trying" blah, blah, blah business. No, let's hear it for the prudent guy who passed on getting in there at all because he knows he will never follow through and prevail should he commit. Instead of challenging himself, he watches safely at a distance. He gets to keep two level nostrils for his recompense. The mantra here–avoid resolutions at any cost, because one simply cannot change.
As for me, I still believe. I see a glimpse of the woman I am in my mind's eye on my best day in my skinny jeans in an organized house doing whatever makes me feel fabulous. I am there talking on the phone with hours to spare because my goals are met on time and under budget. I am prayed-up, patient, witty and wise. My resolutions have all worked, and I am content beyond compare with healthy family and dogs that Swiffer their own fur off my stairs. And even though I know that vision will not be my 2007 reality, a girl can still spike her peel and shoot for the stars.
Jinny Henson is an author and stand-up comic who performs for churches and comedy clubs nationwide. When not unleashing her wacky sense of humor, this Baylor University graduate is a preacher's wife, nutty blonde and soccer mom. You can find out more about her at www.jinnyhenson.com.

