BaptistWay: Life in a Christian household

• The BaptistWay lesson for Oct. 19 focuses on Ephesians 5:21-6:9.

A changed heart brings a changed home

The Apostle Paul’s instruction about character in Ephesians 4:17-5:20 actually is concluded in the first verse of today’s passage: “Submit to one another…” (v. 21), and is the hinge-pin for continued, and quite frankly, rather intrusive direction.

He invites believers to allow the radical change Christ wrought in their lives to change things at home, too. His commands are the foundation for what Billy Graham said: “It is far easier to live an excellent life among your friends … than it is to live for Christ in your home. Your own family circle knows whether Christ lives in you and through you.”

Given the male-dominated society of the first century, this idea of submission would’ve been a bombshell as it was read aloud to the church. I suspect there may even have been whispers of shock. Greco-Roman culture insisted on a prescribed order for social relationships of all kinds. By inviting his readers to willingly subjugate themselves for the benefit of others in the church, he then challenges them to exercise that same kind of submission in their homes.

A counter-cultural choice

For believers to choose to act in love and selflessness, putting others’ needs ahead of their own, was completely counter-cultural, even perplexing. That’s why Paul explains it’s not a surrender of selfhood or an abandonment of one’s own rights, rather, it’s humbly offering deference “out of reverence for Christ” (v. 21).

Paul instructs wives first: “submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” (v. 22). He challenges them to hold nothing in reserve and offer themselves wholly to the leadership of their husbands in the same way the church submits wholly to Christ’s leadership. 

This kind of submission challenges the control issues first seen in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:6,16) and demands wives trust their husbands as intimately and willfully as the church trusts Jesus. Sadly, some husbands have taken this as a license to mistreat their wives—mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually—in the name of submission, as if the Lord approves of abuse, but “submission never means abuse.”  

The real burden of submission, however, isn’t given to wives. It’s given to husbands. Jesus was motivated by selfless sacrifice, advancing what others needed far above what was comfortable for him. Why? “For the joy set before Him” (Hebrews 12:2)—the joy he looked forward to was a complete and whole relationship with us for eternity.

Submission a responce to Christ-like love

He had an end goal in mind. In the same way, Paul invites husbands to love their wives with Christlike passion and clarity so, together, they can fulfill the calling God had in mind when he created marriage in the first place. Ironically, at some point, a wife’s capacity to submit inherently is tied to the husband’s ability to get himself out of the way for her benefit. If a husband expects his wife to graciously and lovingly submit to his leadership, he must demonstrate the kind of passionate, sacrificial, loving sacrifice Christ showed for the church.  

The sad reality is far too many marriages quit before reaching the marital maturity God intended. On the occasion of his 25th wedding anniversary, Philip Yancey said: “Before marriage, each by instinct strives to be what the other wants. After marriage, the process slows and somewhat reverses. Each insists on his or her rights. Each resists bending to the other’s will. After years, though, the process may subtly begin to reverse again. I sense a new willingness to bend back toward what the other wants—maturely, this time, not out of a desire to catch a mate but out of a desire to please. I grieve for those couples who give up before reaching this stage.”

This kind of unity reflects the “one flesh,” idea Paul presents in verse 31.

Paul then shifts his attention to the children in the home, calling them to submit to parental authority. It’s not an easy command, especially since culture and society—and even our instinct as human beings—tell us respect and honor must be earned. Rather, regardless of the deservedness of their parents, children are to obey because of Christ’s command, an instruction first given in the Old Testament (Exodus 20:12).

Life in the home doesn’t flow just from the “top-down,” though. Paul admonishes parents to be mindful of their responsibility to lead their families in keeping with the grace-filled life. He tells them not to provoke their children to anger, irritation or exasperation (Greek, parorgizo), but rather to “bring them up” (literally, “to nourish”) them in the discipline, or instruction and admonition—or warnings—of the Lord (6:4).

A changed heart brings a changed workplace

Further, the grace we’ve received ought to affect the way we treat our employers and employees. Service to and interaction with them is to be as unto Christ (Colossians 3:17). First century slavery, unlike our modern definition, was much more like indentured servanthood, more akin to our employer/employee relationships today.

Paul calls workers to serve sincerely and wholeheartedly for God’s pleasure, not merely for whatever advantage or gain it might bring. When a cobbler asked Martin Luther how he could best serve God, Luther said, “Make good shoes and sell them at a fair price.” We are to serve right where we are, pursuing our calling with our whole hearts in order to glorify God and accomplish his purposes as we live according to his standards.

Slaves could choose to stay with a master even as freedmen, given proper motivation. Thus, Paul commands employers to treat their charges with dignity, honor and respect (v. 9).  

So how does this flesh out in 21st century homes and workplaces?

First, we start with our homes. Those who are married and have children have clear instructions in this passage about how they are to interact with, love and engage family members. But realistically, not every family will look like the picture Paul has painted. In some homes, husbands are abusive, wives are controlling or children are out of control.

Certainly, though, not everyone is married or has children. So we each start where we are, with whatever relationships are integral to our lives. We act with grace and humble submission toward those in our circle of influence, because healthy relationships affect more than just the people involved. They affect society as a whole.

Second, we look at our role in our workplaces. Are we serving for a paycheck or for God’s glory and the advancement of his kingdom? Are we even serving, or do we expect to be served? How do our attitudes and behaviors match up with the characteristics discussed in last week’s lesson? Do people feel respected and treated with dignity each time they interact with us?

Finally, we recognize submissive relationships don’t endorse mistreatment of others. In the past, these verses have been used to defend racial slavery, exploitation of workers, male mistreatment of women, and parental abuse of children.

Christ came to “seek and to save the lost” (Luke 19:10); the scepter of his kingdom is justice (Hebrews 1:8); “he is the head over every power and authority” (Colossians 2:10). Yet he is the same one who “made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant” (Philippians 2:7).

Power isn’t always most prominently demonstrated through exertion; it’s often through restraint we see real power exhibited.

It’s time to ask ourselves: “How different would my life and relationships look if I ordered them in reverence to Christ?”