Life: Giving others what they really need

he Bible Studies for Life lesson for May 26 focuses on Proverbs 11:12-14; 17:17; 18:24; 27:5-6, 9-10, 17; 28:23; 29:10.

If people are involved, life is messy. Relationships are complicated whether they are within family, friendship, church or work circles. In the book of Proverbs, we glean wisdom regarding our relationships with others. We learn healthy friendships go beyond the good times, and conflict is a necessary part of healthy relationships. In fact, conflict is what makes those relationships healthy; “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). In order to become sharpened and useful, we must be met with resistance and must be reformed.

If you have relationships that have lasted any amount of time, no doubt you have had to deal with conflict and confrontation. The Latin word for ‘confront’ means to turn your face toward something or someone—you are face to face. Confronting someone is not negative. The intent is to make the relationship better, to deepen the intimacy, and to create more love and respect between two people.

Facing conflict

Confrontation is necessary in the relationships for which you care most. Many of us run from issues and hide frustrations in the back of our minds, but this coping mechanism is unhealthy and ultimately damaging in relationships. If you care about a person in your life and you want the best for your relationship, then you must face conflict in a healthy way through confrontation.

Henry Cloud and John Townsend are known for their best-selling book, Boundaries. They went on to write a follow-up called Boundaries Face to Face: How to Have that Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding. In this book, they give seven benefits to telling the truth in your relationships, no matter how difficult the truth may be to tell. After all, God desires our relationships to be marked by truth.

First, good confrontation preserves love in a relationship. Facing conflict head-on is motivated and driven by love. It enhances the relationship instead of ending it. Confrontation protects the relationship from harmful elements. If you tend a garden, you must do more than just water and feed your plants. You have to protect them from weather, disease and insects. In the same way, selfishness, misunderstanding, mistrust and many other sinful acts threaten to damage and kill our relationships. We must protect them.

Second, healthy confrontations bring disconnected people together. Where there is an unspoken, unaddressed or unresolved area of conflict, people become closed to one another. Many withdraw emotionally and even physically, and the relationship is severed. The act of confrontation itself is a connection.

Third, confrontation brings empowerment or the ability to make choices and changes in your relationships. We know we do not have the ability to change others, but engaging others in healthy confrontation can promote change. It can restore a sense of confidence and realize the power we have to make choices and changes.

Fourth, confrontation can solve problems. The purpose of these boundary conversations is to expose a problem and seek to resolve it in a healthy way. Buried or ignored problems rarely go away and usually only get worse. Alcoholics Anonymous has a great definition of how we change: We change when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing. We must deal with issues in order to change the situation and make it healthier for all parties involved.

Fifth, healthy confrontation helps people grow. Dealing with conflict grows us spiritually, emotionally and relationally. These conversations always help us grow by increasing our awareness of our own words and choices. We are able to gain a greater understanding of how our behavior affects others and respond accordingly.

Sixth, good confrontation helps people see others more clearly. When we are afraid to speak the truth, we often withdraw and avoid others. Our perception of one another becomes tainted and distorted. The more we avoid the conversation, the scarier the other person becomes in our mind, and then it leads to greater avoidance. Healthy confrontation allows us to see others and ourselves in the light and rids our minds of the distorted truth.

Seventh, confrontation keeps us from being part of the problem. An old saying from the 1960s: If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. We live in relationships with others and have a responsibility to confront and to speak the truth. Most of the time, people do not live in a vacuum, but rather, in a web of relationships. Some relationships enable unhealthy behaviors.

But the Bible teaches we have a responsibility to warn one another and help each other stay on the path of growth. Ezekiel 3:18-19 clearly expresses the responsibility of community in the life of a man choosing evil. When we confront in a healthy way, the other person always has a choice. They may choose to ignore, but we can rest assured we were obedient and are not participating in that person’s self-destruction (vv. 21-29).

Speaking truthfully

Proverbs 27:5 says, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” Let us speak clearly and truthfully in times of rejoicing as well as times of difficulty. May we care deeply enough about those in our life to face even the toughest of conversations, and may every word that comes from our lips be drenched in the love of Christ.