Grand or Grind? Counselor understands

ROUND ROCK—As a counselor at Starry, part of Children at Heart Ministries, Jessica Kilpatrick often is asked to help grandparents who are rearing their grandchildren navigate through communications, discipline and relationship issues. For her, it's an issue that hits close to home.

Jessica Kilpatrick, a counselor with Starry, talks with a grandparent who struggles with challenges in rearing grandchildren. (PHOTO/Courtesy of Children at Heart Ministries)

After bringing up six of his children and stepchildren—herself included—her 66-year-old stepfather now is rearing a 14-year-old granddaughter and has been since she was 2.

"That's 47 years consecutively since he was 19," Kilpatrick said. "Thank God he is really great at it. He was born to be a dad. Four more years, and he can retire. He deserves a break."

Still, it's no wonder grandparents get tired and worn out, a problem Starry counselors agree is compounded by a long list of related issues.

Grandparents act as parents for reasons as varied as the birth parents' drug or alcohol problems or economic pressures that require a single mother to work and leave the task of caring for children in the hands of others.

In most cases, it's not a job the grandparents expected or wanted, and that's part of the problem, counselors agree.

Grandparents and grandchildren come to Starry counseling programs in Round Rock, Waco and Temple needing help with generational differences, parenting styles, discipline problems, guilt issues and resentment.

"They come to counseling weary and very desperate for change," Kilpatrick said. "Grandparents who wouldn't think about letting their children move back home are willing to take in their grandchildren out of love and sometimes a sense of obligation. But now they are exhausted."

Just as important are the issues the children face. They already have experienced trauma and the loss of their parents before they move in with their grandparents.

It's not unusual for children to be embarrassed that they live with their grandparents instead of their parents. School events can be awkward, and grandparents with health issues or low energy levels sometimes have trouble getting to meetings or school activities.

"Grandparents may not be experienced in dealing with impulsive behavior or attention deficit disorders," Kilpatrick said. "They are doing the best they can, but sometimes they may try to use guilt, saying things like, 'How can you act this way after all I've done for you?'"

Richard Singleton, a counselor and executive director of Starry, has heard grandparents justify iron-fisted discipline methods by telling their grandchildren, "You aren't going to end up like your father or your mother."

"On the other side, sometimes the lack of respect for grandparents makes it hard to discipline the children," Counselor Sarah Walters added. "Who really has the authority?"

Most often, grandparents take the lead in deciding counseling at Starry can make a positive difference in their lives and the lives of their grandchildren.

"Grandparents can be more open to change," Kilpatrick said. "This may be due to the fact that they don't feel as personally responsible for the child's negative behaviors. They may, however, lack the resources to seek help. That's where Starry comes in."

The issues that bring grandparents and grandchildren to Starry sometimes involve things as simple as how they interact with each other. The goal is to use counseling to find ways of communicating that meet the needs of both sides. If parents and children are challenged by differences between their generations, the differences are compounded between grandparents and grandchildren.

But sometimes the issues are larger. Kilpatrick has had the opportunity to counsel some grandparents who took in grandchildren who had been living in poverty and were severely neglected. Their living conditions improved, but they still were conflicted, because they loved their parents. Furthermore, custodial arrangements often are not clear.

"Many times, the grandparents are afraid to let the children go visit their parents because they are concerned they won't come back," Kilpatrick said. "Many grandparents only have temporary custody, so the parents can come get the kids at any time. This causes a lot of anxiety for both the children and the grandparents."

While Starry can address the needs from a counseling perspective, the staff says community-based support also is needed, especially from churches.

"I am seeing three sets of grandparents who go to church regularly and are active in their churches, but they aren't getting as much help as they need," Kilpatrick said. "There are no resources regularly available to them. Respite care, cooking a meal and support groups would all make their lives easier, if it were available."

In addition to Starry, other Children at Heart ministries include Texas Baptist Children's Home in Round Rock, Miracle Farm in Brenham and Gracewood in Houston.