Church helps couples ‘navigate the waters of a second marriage’

TYLER—Pitfalls into which many married couples stumble multiply in second marriages. So, Green Acres Baptist Church in Tyler offers help for people who want to make sure a past divorce is their last divorce.

Ken Brumley (standing), minister of marriage and family at Green Acres Baptist Church in Tyler, developed the “Happily Even After” curriculum for couples who marry again after death or divorce. Lee Poe (seated), a counselor at Graceworks, teaches the class at Green Acres. (PHOTO/George Henson)Ken Brumley, minister of marriage and family, developed both the nearlywed/ newlywed curriculum for couples entering their first marriage and Happily Even After curriculum for those who are marrying again after divorce or the death of a spouse.

When the Happily Ever After class began, it grew rapidly, Brumley said.

“We had a large singles ministry at the church. And as they married, they were trying to find a Sunday school class, but more than anything else, trying to find a way they could jumpstart this with as many answers as they had questions. There were a few books on blended families but very few on how to navigate the waters of a second marriage,” he explained.

Brumley taught the class several years. Lee Poe, a counselor at Graceworks, the church’s counseling ministry, now teaches the course.

Wide range of topics

The curriculum covers a wide range of topics, including disconnecting from the pain of the past, communication skills, managing conflict, dealing with extended family, sexual intimacy, disciplining children, finances and other topics brought up by class participants.

The classes, which meet on Sunday evenings, offer a blend of training and interaction among the couples in the group, sharing their experiences and their struggles.

“We’ve done it in the Sunday school hour, and that’s worked out well, but we’ve found an expanded ministry by moving it to Sunday nights, because people from other churches are more able to come during that time slot,” Poe explained.

The goal is not to get those people to join Green Acres but rather to learn the principles and take them back to their own churches, he emphasized.

One common denominator Poe and Brumley see in both the class and their counseling sessions is Christians who feel guilt over being divorced.

“We try to get them to understand: ‘This is where we are right now. We can’t fix what’s happened in the past.’ Most of the people we have dealt with are divorced not by their own choice or design, but they’ve wound up in this circumstance and are trying to rebuild their lives. A lot of them have deceased spouses, and they are trying to figure out how to make this second marriage work. Most of our churches have a large percentage of people who are in their second or third marriages,” said Poe, who was a pastor almost 28 years.

Moving past the guilt of divorce

Individuals need to move past the guilt of divorce and receive the mercy and grace of God, Brumley said.

“You can’t give someone else what you haven’t given or applied in your own life,” he said.

Many people feel God hates divorce, so he must hate them, he explained. As Christians, however, God has a purpose for every life, and these competing thoughts create a war in the lives of divorced people until they realize God’s love and forgiveness, he said.

“For the couple to discover their assignment together and their ministry together gives great power to their lives,” he added.

While the Bible may not address how children should be disciplined in blended families or how finances should be handled, the principles are there, Poe and Brumley asserted.

“The foundation of all we teach is Scripture,” Poe said. “The Bible does address oneness, and oneness affects finances. There has to be an understanding that it’s no longer mine and yours; it has to be ours. There are a lot of ways to work that out, and each individual couple can find their own path. But they still have to understand the concept of oneness and that the Bible teaches that oneness is the goal of marriage.”

The Bible also teaches about responsibility, Brumley pointed out.

Choosing to be responsible

“One of the issues we teach is that when it comes to the concepts of compatibility or responsibility, responsibility always trumps compatibility. It’s not compatibility that keeps two people together. It’s two people choosing to be responsible,” he said.

“That’s something that’s taught in these sessions that moves us toward a new way of seeing this second marriage—as something we have to protect at all cost. And we never sacrifice the relationship in order to solve the problem.

“No matter what issue comes along, you are 100 percent responsible for everything you think, feel, say or do. The demise of most marriages is they get to the point where they were giving the other person responsibility for how they felt, what they did, what they said. Each person has to take responsibility and say, ‘I’ve got a responsibility to this marriage, whether I’m happy, mad, sad or glad, and nothing gives me the right to compromise our relationship in Christ.’”

That doesn’t mean it will be easy, however, Brumley added.

“The potential for failure for second, third and fourth marriages is great,” he said, noting that truth creates a somewhat skewed statistic with which he takes issue.

50 percent of marriages fail

“Every paper in the United States says the same thing—50 percent of all marriages fail. When you look at the statistics on nearly newlyweds who choose to go through premarital counseling, 85 percent of those are successful,” he said.

However, people who enter second, third and subsequent marriages bring the rate to 50 percent. “Every time you remarry again, the risk factor goes up,” Brumley explained.

But counseling minimizes the risk, he added.

“With second marriages, when they go through premarital counseling, you’re looking at 65 to 70 percent success,” he said.

Green Acres Baptist Church wants to give those couples every opportunity for success.

“Everybody has baggage,” Poe said. “We’re just hoping we can put together a matched set.”