Pastors need to learn how to deal with difficult people

WACO—Leading difficult church members is a skill almost every pastor will need at some time during his ministry, veteran pastor Jack Ridlehoover said.

“Jesus walked the path before us. Study his life. His life was one of constantly dealing with difficult people,” said Ridlehoover, a retired pastor who led Pioneer Drive Baptist Church in Abilene 29 years, as he spoke to pastors from Waco Regional Baptist Network at Emmanuel Baptist Church.

The reality of a first pastorate can be very difficult for some ministers, he pointed out.

“It’s a shock to many young ministers who come in believing that everyone in the church are kind, loving people,” Ridlehoover said.

While difficult people have always been a part of the church landscape, Ridlehoover said, the problem has gotten worse in the last few decades.

“The primary problem ministers have is a people problem. … And it didn’t use to be this way. These are the most difficult times in the local church. We have not come this way before,” he said.

“Something happened in the late ’60s and early ’70s in our lives that made it change. Part of it was a generation of people who thought more deeply and expressed themselves more vocally. … We became skeptics of anyone in leadership and brought that skepticism to church.”

But the task is not too big to handle, Ridle-hoover insisted.

“In most churches, these people are in a very small minority, but they are there. Because they are there, we must learn to relate to, adjust to, love and lead them to the best of our ability,” he said. “Our call is to lead these folks as much as those who are easy to lead. It’s part of our privilege, challenge and responsibility to face the situation.”

Baptist polity can make it particularly difficult, he acknowledged.

“The democratic structure of a Baptist church lends itself to difficult people having a voice and lends itself to power plays,” Ridlehoover said. That is changing a bit, though, he said, noting, “I think we are moving in the direction of many churches becoming less democratic.”

Difficult people come in a variety of flavors. Some are unresponsive to leadership; some demand more than their share of attention. Others have unreasonable expectations or offer unfair and untruthful criticisms. In short, they have an attitude or posture that hinders the ministry and work of the church.

Not all people who wield power in the church are difficult people, he cautioned.

“There are some powerful people in the church you serve,” Ridlehoover pointed out. “There are controlling people in each church. Blessed are you if they are the same people who are helping you fulfill the Great Commission.”

Most difficult church members don’t see themselves as being difficult, he said. “Many would be shocked if you called them a difficult church member. They see themselves as people with leadership ability and spiritual maturity.”

They also are very vocal, but “sweetly spiritual” in their criticisms. “‘Pastor, I want you to know I love you,’ … and then the cleaver falls,” Ridlehoover said.

One of the first things a pastor needs to do to become better at working with difficult people is to acknowledge it is part of the job. He also needs to prepare himself mentally and spiritually. “God can make you adequate to face this,” he said.

Ridlehoover recommended Marshall Shelley’s book Well-Intentioned Dragons and Surviving Difficult Church Members by Robert Dale. He also suggested staying alert to power plays so they can be dealt with early before they grow into larger problems.

Pastors also should work to develop and follow firm and sound leadership procedures so church members can know and predict the response to whatever circumstance might arise.

At times, confrontation is necessary. “Confront caringly, but confront. If you’re wrong, admit you’re wrong. If you deal with someone one-on-one instead of in front of a group, many times you will find them more reasonable,” he said.

It’s important not to take on the characteristics of the person you are having a problem with, he stressed, suggesting: “Play fair. Don’t return meanness for meanness. Work toward a win-win solution.”

One of the greatest things a pastor can do is keep perspective, Ridlehoover said.

“Do not allow one difficult church member’s attitude and opposition to blind you to all the loving, gracious, supportive Christians you lead,” he counseled. “As a pastor or staff person, you have the greatest job and responsibility in the world without any authority except that which God gives you—until the people give it to you, and I’m convinced they will if you stick with them.”

He also counseled the problem is not always with the people in the pews. “We talk about difficult church members, but pastors can be difficult people, too. About 50 percent of the problems I see are caused by difficult pastors. Let’s make sure we’re not the problem.”